SF Mayor Wannabees: Goat Slaughterers, Big Booty Butts and 'Fems' into 'Brain'

Categories: Government

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Since the SF mayor's race is locked up tighter than the case against Ed Jew, it's time for a diversion. Snitch Joe Eskenazi dug up some web dirt on some of our city's would-be mayors, and as you can imagine the results prove hilarious. My favorite dude: the goat slaughterer. We gotta get an interview with that guy. Hit it, Joe. -d2

E-Know Your Mayoral Candidates
Web Histories of the 30-odd Folks Who Would Be Mayor
By JOE ESKENAZI

In the past several months, nearly three dozen drywall contractors, clowns and Tony Halls have declared they wish to unseat Mayor Gavin Newsom (and start drawing his $245,749 salary).

One can view this conga line of no-hopers (sadly missing leadership by the completely unelectable Chris Daly) in two ways: As champions of representative democracy or (to borrow a phrase from Tony the chauffer in “The Big Lebowski”) “Jadrool Loser Bastards.” And while a great many of these Jadrool …sorry, ... candidates come from out of the blue politically, they’ve left a rich history on the Web. Not all of these ladies, gentlemen and the other kind managed to get their signatures and money into the Department of Elections on Friday, but, still, here's The Web Remnants of the Folks Who Would Be Mayor, Starting with “A.”

Jennifer Alegre — Also known as “Love,” Alegre out-Jews Ed Jew by listing a Burlingame address — with the City’s Department of Elections. Perhaps she’s too obsessed with launching the “God Games” to come up with an abandoned San Francisco house to allegedly live at.

Cesar Ascarrunz — The former owner of a salsa (dance) club and serial candidate operates a production company with a web page that informs us about his father being gunned down during a political coup in Bolivia and the fact he has fathered an electrician, a fireman, an administrator and a business major.

Enya Baker — We couldn’t find a thing about Candidate Baker on the Web, but we did find a bit of online fiction featuring a character by that name here.

Jim Boeger — He may or may not be the author of “The Scoutmaster,” but he’s almost certainly the man behind this letter-to-the editor accusing homosexual men who dress in drag of misogynistic behavior. It’s good to see candidates unafraid of discussing the real issues.

Harold Brown — An SRO resident and former fireman and teacher, he now operates the SFbulldog Web site. You can see him ranting on YouTube here and hanging out on the steps with other progressives here. Yes, that is a goofy, twentysomething Chris Daly on the right.

George Davis is mad as hell, naked and he's not going to take it anymore. Ever met a nudist activist? Now you have.

Eric Dupree — If Candidate Dupree isn’t a self-styled pimp, he’s making hard to tell from his MySpace page. (He’s looking to meet: “Some fems that want to brain from time to time. And a little business. Without a project there can be no pus... Life planners are better. No prostitutes needed, unless you want to do some mental. I can get you further than he/or you GOT you?”).

Tony Hall — The former District 7 supervisor who was appointed by Newsom to run the mayor's Treasure Island redevelopment office — and then fired without cause after he couldn’t keep his mouth shut about sweetheart deals — has a Web site. A terrible Web site that’s not even up and running yet. Mr. Hall, if you want to be San Francisco’s toniest mayor, get on it!

Lonnie Holmes — Lonnie is an officer with the Juvenile Probation Department, so he’d certainly know how to work with the Board of Supervisors. Holmes — who seems to favor the pinstriped suits and fedoras of the sort Mayor Willie Brown charged to taxpayers — likes to drive around in a big, yellow fire truck and has been endorsed for mayor by former 49ers running back Roger Craig. That makes you wonder — who will get the all-important Tom Rathman endorsement?

Harold Hoogasian — Flowerstand scion Hoogasian built his father’s business up into a floral empire. His dad, also called Harold, actually ran for mayor as well — and was wiped out by Joe Alioto. You can learn a lot about Harold the Younger here; He’s a member of the Log Cabin Republicans, for one thing. Also, here we find that if you have any spare bottles of Moet & Chandon Petite Liqueur, Hoogasian would like to speak to you.

Kenneth Kahn — That’s right, the clown guy. And, yes, he ran for mayor of Alameda, too. But we checked: The address he listed is about 100 yards from the Cow Palace — and if it’s not the last house in San Francisco, it’s darn close.

Grasshopper Alec Kaplan — Kaplan told the San Francisco Bay Guardian that he stole the address of Ed Jew’s alleged San Francisco residence, which he was interested in flopping in, being homeless and all. He’s also a taxicab driver (he introduced a resolution calling for all S.F. cabs to be hybrids) and you can purchase his hit record here.

Robert McCulloch, aka Captain Democracy — That’s two homeless candidates in a row! McCulloch, in addition to being a homeless man and “Champion of Christ,” also claims to be a trained architect on his Web site. On it, he writes of his trips to the Painted Desert and, charmingly, Dachau.

Matthew Mengarelli — We predict Matt won’t be mayor as he lists an address in Pleasant Hill. In other news, when the cop pulls you over and asks if you’ve been drinking, you’re supposed to say no. He’s a paint and drywall man and vice president of the family business (which is located in S.F. at least), Russell Hinton.

bootybutt.jpgAntonio Mims — He lists his occupation as a “dollar mover,” but you can see this slam poet in mid-slam right here, and, more recently, here. It might be worth noting that some of Mims’ MySpace friends have chosen to post photos of body parts other than their faces — large, round and tantalizing body parts.

Malinka Moye — Look, this is San Francisco. It’s a unique place. But Malinka Moye takes the God-damned cake. According to this site Moye, a former candidate for District 6 Supe, identified himself as a “scientist” in voter’s guides, but has actually been arrested many times for suspected cocaine and crack dealing was also picked up for suspected animal cruelty after allegedly slaughtering a goat in public (the meat of which he ate to “make him stronger in the gym”). He’s also supposedly shown up speaking incoherently at the San Francisco Examiner, doodling nonsense drawings on a dry-erase board to illustrate his even more nonsensical statements. Finally, he was featured in a Chronicle article about black men on the down-low. He described a night of rampant drug use and unprotected sex. No mention of goats.

Gavin Newsom — Who dat?

Wilma Pang — The longtime teacher ran — and lost — a race for the school board in the last election. You may have known that. But did you know she sings Chinese Opera? Give it a listen here.

Michael Powers — We couldn’t find a thing on the City mayoral candidate, but did unearth a Web page of a jazz musician and another jazz musician of the same name. So the big news is, there are two jazz musicians named Michael Powers. Neither is running for mayor. NOTE: Soon to be Mayor Powers owns the Power Exchange Sex Club.

John Rinaldi — It’s Chicken John! The Burning Man impresario, who stole his mustache from Vince Guaraldi circa 1963, has gotten plenty of press. So we’ll just leave it alone and remind you not to confuse Chicken John Rinaldi with regular old John Rinaldi.

Lea Sherman — He lists The Militant as his Web contact and lists his party affiliation as the Socialist Workers Party and Young Socialists (no one wants to cop to being an Old Socialist these days). His goals include unionizing all workers. Would that extend to his namesake, Lea Sherman the dog-sitter from Cathedral City?

Ahimisa Porter Surnchai — The physician and personal trainer gives a how-to on how not to create a readable press release announcing her candidacy here. She’s also a poet. No news about being a dollar-mover, though.

Joel Ventresca — The former D4 Supe candidate in the Sunset-Parkside and longtime devoted public servant is also devoted to the floral tie, as evidenced here.

Billy Bob Whitmer — While it’d be nice to turn up more on the Internet about Candidate Billy Bob, all we could find was this testimony by Whitmer or someone of the same name endorsing the “Book of Zelph.” No, we don’t have a damn clue what that’s all about.

Idell Wilson — She’s a longtime advocate for the disadvantaged and has served on the City’s Mental Health Board, which leads us to…

Josh Wolf — He went to prison. That’s what he did. He went to prison. And now he’s running for mayor. Say what you will, but in this town, he’s certainly got the hair for it.


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