Chronicle: John Cusack is gay. Heterosexual women everywhere observe moment of silence

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Sunday, June 17, 2007 is a day that will live in infamy, as heterosexual women looked at the Chronicle's Pink Pages aghast, to find that "THE BIG GAY ISSUE" featured none other than the newly gay John Cusack and Norah Jones. Heterosexual women all over the country then collectively baked an unprecedented 25 billion tons of chocolate chip cookies and ate them all in a matter of hours while moping and watching Say Anything and Better Off Dead over and over again. Here's a teaser:

"I thought [John and I] were going to be together someday," said San Francisco native Stacie Bratwirst. "Now all my hopes and dreams are ruined."

Heterosexual men reacted to the news of Norah Jones' outing with a collective shrug. Meanwhile, local ladies harboring secret Norah girl crushes rejoiced.--Angelene Pectorus

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