San Francisco Blog

Apparently, when learning how to spar properly, there's a short time when you and your sparring partner try to punch each other, not in the face, but in the abdomen. This is a drill, an exercise meant to get you and your partner comfortable punching a live target and defending against a live target. A problem arises, though. Since neither of you know anything, really, about boxing, and you've just gone through 45 minutes of relatively intense calisthenics, you're aim's a little off, and, moreover, you're tired. So you miss. South. And even though you're wearing veritable groin armor, this is the first day you're wearing the veritable groin armor, and so it's not being worn properly, and your proverbial bits and pieces are all over the place, not where they're supposed to be, so every time your partner (or "enemy") punches you "accidentally" in the groin armor, your nuts get squished against side of the groin armor, and you yell "Owwww, don't punch my balls, asshole!" but you're wearing a mouthguard, so it comes out "Mmmwmmwmwwwmwww!" and nothing gets communicated, and both of you just keep punching the other in the balls over and over again, until the bell rings, and you take a breather and crouch over, absorbing the dull, throbbing pain in your nether region and say, to no one and everyone at once: "all in the name of journalism." Of course, no one can understand you. But it's probably worth saying anyway.

Not sure if the female contingent has a similar experience -- it wasn't in my agenda to ask just any woman "Does sparring hurt your labia majora?" But maybe that'll be my journalistic goal tomorrow. Till then: Protect ya neck. And ya jewels.

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Boxing Bootcamp is a bit of fun orchestrated by 3rd Street Gym, SF Weekly's Matt Stroud, and Rob Quintiliani from the SF Bay Guardian; the fun involves Rob and Matt training for 6 weeks before pummeling each other publicly for everyone's amusement. Questions? Write to Matt Stroud.