Future and Kanye West Want Human Trophies, Not Women, on "I Won"

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Hey (heterosexual) women! Something really great just happened and we can't wait to tell you about it! Aren't you tired of all those silly conversations where you and your girlfriends discuss what you're looking for in a mate? All that talk about personality and humor and shared interests and ambition and blah, blah, blah. I mean, is that really what you want in a man? Is it? It's okay. You can be honest. Because -- I'm sure we can all agree on this -- truthfully, deep down, all we really desire in a relationship is to be reduced to a human accessory; an empty shell; body parts with no thoughts or personality of our own. What we really want is to be voiceless and on the arm of a man who has no interest in us other than how we make him look. Now that's a recipe for a long-lasting marriage! Are we right, ladies?


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Vampire Weekend Releases a Reggae Cover of an Italian Classic. Uh Oh.

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In the multitude of songs in the world that never ever needed to be re-recorded by anyone, "Con Te Partirò" is high on the list. "What's "Con Te Partirò"?" you may be asking. Well, believe us when we say that, whether you recognize the title or not, you probably do know it, because this thing is a classic. In case you need a refresher, here's Andrea Bocelli performing the beloved Italian song at its best. Get the Kleenex out:

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Why Did Lady Gaga Release Another Version of "Do What U Want"?

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We've been ignoring Lady Gaga and R. Kelly's "Do What U Want" track for months now, based almost entirely on the fact that the phrase "Do what you want with my body" is one of the last things anyone should ever say to R. Kelly -- a man who (even if you ignore all of those peeing-on-teenagers allegations) has a back catalog awash with a variety of sexual predator-speak. Just last month, we complained when he released an alarmingly rapey song called "Cookie." And prior to that, enforced pregnancy and subsequent kitchen entrapment was on the table.


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"Bound 2": Kanye West and Kim K. Ride a Washing Machine Into Divorceville

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You know those paintings of eagles and wolves and mountains and white horses and dream-catchers on black velvet, that are favored only by truck drivers, dudes who live in cabins, and cool kids who buy awful crap to be ironic? Well, those 1970s, color-by-numbers, bastions of poor taste got a boost this week when Kanye West based his new video, for "Bound 2," on everything that ever happens in them.


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Geri Halliwell's Comeback Single Gets a Go-Away Response in Australia

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Remember Geri Halliwell? Also known as Ginger Spice? Also known as the one with the cleavage who wouldn't stop doing the peace sign? You may or -- more realistically -- may not have been wondering what the former Spice Girl was up to these days. Well, it turns out she's living down under, acting as a judge on Australia's Got Talent and attempting to revive her recording career. We say "attempting" because last week, Geri released her comeback single. It's called "Half of Me," and it only sold, in its first week, an astoundingly embarrassing 393 copies.


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When Will Ariana Grande Get To Be Herself?

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In case you are unfamiliar with her, Ariana Grande is a Nickelodeon child star who now has a job impersonating Mariah Carey  music career. This week, she released "Right There" with Big Sean -- a song that borrows from almost every Mariah Carey song ever released (except for the Christmas ones) but somehow still manages to be entirely devoid of personality.


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Paris Hilton's New Single Is Spectacularly Vapid, Even By Paris Hilton Standards

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Those of you reading this who used to be 8-year-old girls might recall that thing that we used to do at sleepovers, where you and your friends would, in the midst of practicing dance moves, try and make up pop songs on the spot. And the words to those songs would always (repeat: always) be about having a good time or dancing all night -- because that's what 8-year-old girls hope that grown-up life will be like. Occasionally, if you were feeling a bit naughty, you'd include a line about drinking wine or kissing boys. It was all pretty cute.

Well, it would appear that, at some point during her childhood, Paris Hilton made up a song during one of these sessions and has now decided to release it to the world, backed only by a generic dance beat and an intense sense of delusion. Listen to the rambled, cliché-ridden piece of garbage that is "Good Time" and tell us that it doesn't sound like it was made up on the spot by a child:


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M.I.A.'s "Come Walk With Me" Sounds Like a Girl Group Trapped in an M.R.I. Scanner

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Remember the first time you ever heard M.I.A.? "Who is this tiny badass from London?" you likely gasped in awe. Her music was catchy but unabashedly politicized, and it borrowed from hip-hop and global sounds simultaneously. This shit was brilliant. And while she remains best known for 2008's "Paper Planes" (a bonafide modern classic) and performing at the VMAs while nine months pregnant, she's continued to challenge her audience and push boundaries ever since.


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The 10 Worst Things About Avril Lavigne's New "Rock N Roll" Video

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Remember when Avril Lavigne first emerged, fresh from a Hot Topic sale, riding on the handlebars of a BMX and singing about skater boys? Sorry -- "Sk8tr Boi"s? Frankly, that video was so contrived and stupid we remain deeply offended by it, even a decade later. We had assumed Ms. Lavigne would be incapable of ever coming up with anything quite that aggravating ever again, but -- guess what, kids? -- she's finally managed to one-up herself on the awful scale, thanks to her new video for the ironically-titled "Rock N Roll".

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Drake, 2 Chainz, and Big Sean Worship at the Altar of Stupidity on "All Me"

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Ever wonder why some of the young kids you see yelling at each other on Muni seem to be getting more abusive, more cocksure, and more idiotic? We have. We've given this a lot of thought actually, and we've concluded that, while all the old reasons (parents, schools, an urban environment) are still relevant, some new factors really aren't helping matters.


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