Morrissey Again Pretends He's Going to Play in the Bay Area

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He's on his way to San Jose ... allegedly.
Bay Area Morrissey fans may remember the Great Moz Clusterfuck of 2012-13, when the beloved British brooder announced a local show, then canceled it, then announced a show, then canceled it, then announced two more shows, and canceled them, too. (All cancellations were allegedly due to health problems that somehow allowed the former Smiths singer to perform in other markets, such as L.A.)

Well, guess what? Morrissey has announced another show!


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Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky 2": 10 Aching Questions We Have After Watching This Thing

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Billy Ray, with unnecessary guitar, in the hallway of flesh.
We just watched it. The horrible thing. Billy Ray Cyrus and some rapper named Buck 22 have attempted to recycle "Achy Breaky Heart," 1992's most embarrassing, inescapable hit, into a song for 2014, by adding a rap beat, a spaceship theme, and a lot of EDM squawks and squeals. Yes, we know how terrible that sounds. We watched it anyway, and now, quite frankly, we are broken. Stunned. Gobsmacked. Flummoxed. Thrown for a fucking loop.

Here are some of the questions underpinning our perplexedness. Can you help us answer them? We hope (for your sake) you can't, but, well:


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S.F. Faces War of the Pizza Bands: Personal and the Pizzas vs. Macaulay Culkin

Categories: Uh Oh

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Time to choose sides in the great pizza band war.
San Francisco, the pizza band wars are on. You've undoubtedly heard that Macaulay Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, The Pizza Underground, recipient of oodles of Internet hype, is playing here in S.F. at Neck of the Woods on March 5.

But here's the thing. San Francisco already has its own pizza-themed non-tribute punk rock band called Personal and the Pizzas, and has for a long time. (Yeah, they might seem like they're from the pizza belt, but they are based here.) And our local chain-dragging, brass-knuckle-packing neanderthals don't take too kindly to actor boys from New York coming out West and getting all up in their pizza steez. In fact, they've already threatened to kill, then sue, Culkin's group. And now the rivalry is all coming to a head here on the streets of San Francisco, because Personal and the Pizzas are also playing here on March 5 -- a free show at Hemlock Tavern.

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Report: Elbo Room Could Be Torn Down to Make Way for Housing [UPDATED]

Categories: Clubs, Uh Oh

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Update: The property owners submitted a preliminary document to the city last year that outlines plans for the building that would replace the Elbo Room. They have not submitted a formal plans, so the city doesn't yet consider this an official project. (Here is the city's assessment of the initial proposal.) At this point, it's not clear whether the owners will begin the process to replace the Elbo Room -- we're trying to reach them to find out. Even if they do, nothing is happening to the club soon:

Original post: Real estate blog SocketSite is reporting that the owners of the building housing the Elbo Room -- the popular bar and nightclub at 647 Valencia that's home to, among other events, the long-running Dub Mission party -- have submitted are developing plans to tear down the existing building and replace it with a five-story, mixed-use residential structure.


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Why Do Great Bands Get Shittier as They Get Older? It's Pretty Simple

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Weezer in 1996: Young and -- crucially -- dumb.
A piece on Noisey today asks why so many bands that were great when young and hungry became so mind-bogglingly mediocre as they grew famous, rich, and old. Here's why:

Because young people tend to be the only ones stupid, brave, and poor enough to make good pop music.

Seriously. Pop -- including rock, hip-hop, and "pop" as we know it -- relies largely on the naiveté, lack of forethought, arrogance, narcissism, and inherent recklessness of youth. Not all of it, but most. And as people get older, they tend to lose their nerve and/or will to potentially embarrass themselves publicly by saying true, interesting things. (The crazy-geniuses don't, of course, but most of our pop/rock/hip-hop stars aren't crazy geniuses.)

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From the Makers of Rebecca Black's "Friday," Here Is a Funnier and More Terrible Song About "Chinese Food"

Categories: Uh Oh

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Ark Music Factory, the pay-for-play production outfit that brought you "Friday," Rebecca Black's infamous inane, Internet-collapsing celebration of weekends, is back with another happy tween and another hilariously bad song. This one is about wontons. Well, it's about egg rolls and chow mein, too: It's called "Chinese Food," it's "by" Alison Gold, and it sounds and looks just like an SNL skit. But actually it's just another Ark Music Factory product, this time featuring subtitles in many languages and a man (Ark's Patrice Wilson, actually) skipping in a panda costume and rapping about the benefits of sweet and sour sauce. It is terrible and funny, maybe even more so than "Friday" was. Watch and shudder:


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Why Sinead O'Connor's Letter to Miley Cyrus Was Sexist

Categories: Uh Oh
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Yesterday, a hefty portion of the Internet exploded with support for Sinead O'Connor's "motherly" letter to Miley Cyrus regarding Miley's recent penchant for nudity and sledgehammer-licking. O'Connor's letter was lengthy and somewhat repetitive, but it essentially told Cyrus that: (a) she was allowing herself to be exploited by men in the music industry, (b) taking her clothes off in the course of her career would ultimately damage it and that (c) Miley's recent sexually suggestive behavior was the result of other people's desires and not her own.


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Here Is What Oakland Radicals The Coup Think About That $375 Punk Rock Jacket From Urban Outfitters

Categories: The Horror, Uh Oh

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You could make this jacket with $5 and 10 minutes.
Maybe you heard today about the latest absurdity from Urban Outfitters? That "vintage" punk rock jacket, complete with poorly scrawled Sex Pistols, G.B.H., Crass, and Clash logos, that can be yours for the low, low, authenticity-conferring (not!) price of $375? One of a kind, though by "vintage" we mean it's actually from the '90s?

Yes, this is real, though it does seem a perfect symbol for the way capitalism and fashion absorb the elements of underground cultures and then resell them, thereby stripping them of any meaning. For more on this, let's check in with radical socialist Boots Riley of Oakland hip-hop outfit the Coup, who offered a thoughtful take on the $375 punk rock leather jacket on Facebook today:


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Sign This Petition To Get GWAR To Perform at the Super Bowl Right Now

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Get thee to the Super Bowl, GWAR!

Bruno Mars, the world's first human to be born with an airbrushed face, is performing at next year's Super Bowl halftime show. It will be terrible. But at least we will all have 15 extra minutes in which to sleep, eat, fornicate, go get more beer, or forcibly direct our gaze at anything other than the television, which will be broadcasting carcinogenic levels of twerpiness and a nauseating volume of winks. (Epileptics, just leave the room.)

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S.F. Band FayRoy Had All Its Gear Stolen in Chicago, and Needs Help

Categories: Uh Oh

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FayRoy's missing van
This has become a depressingly familiar story: FayRoy, a surfy San Francisco rock band, has been touring the country for the last eight weeks. This week, while stopped in Chicago the band's van was broken into, and everything in it was stolen -- music equipment, cameras, merch, and even their own clothes. Now the band's four members are stuck in Chicago with no gear, no ride, and no underwear. They're spreading the word about the items stolen and asking for donations of $6 more in exchange for downloads of their album on Bandcamp. Here's the full story of what happened, according to the band's Kyle Fournier:


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