"What exactly is teen spirit?"

The worst music listicle of all time was published Sunday, April 8, 2012, on the conservative website Breitbart.com and penned by one Ben Shaprio. Headlined "Top 10 Overrated Songs of All Time," the piece attempts to savage the work of 10 pop music greats. That it does so stupidly, and with no sense of irony, or creative understanding -- and that its only humor is cruel -- could be expected based solely on the URL. But even by the standards of Breitbart, this piece is a giant steaming pile of shit. Having lambasted the likes of so many important artists, it leaves us wondering what about pop music Shaprio likes at all. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Below, the eight most infuriating quotes from the worst music list of all time:

8. "When your most famous lyric (from "Poker Face") is "mah-mah-mah-Poker Face mah-mah-Poker Face," you've got a huge problem."

Um, in what universe has Lady Gaga's most famous lyric come from "Poker Face"? The song may have helped break Gaga, but it never topped the ubiquity of "Bad Romance," or even "Born This Way," as a simple Google search demonstrates.

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"...There will be justice for the unborn/ Factories back on our shores..."

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Say what you will about Obama -- it is impossible to imagine the current president inspiring a song as terrifically awful as "Game On," which this Oklahoma group called First Love just released supporting the candidacy of Mr. Rogers' evil twin, Rick Santorum.

From the first line ("We've finally got a man who will stand for what is right") to the second ("We've got a man who understands that God gave the Bill of Rights") to the third ("Oh, there is hope for our nation again/ maybe the first time since we had Ronald Reagan"), "Game On" comes across like a cruel parody, or a bad joke. It can't be real, you think. Surely, this was penned by a cynical New Yorker with ties to Saturday Night Live, trying to make Santorum supporters look facile.

But no. It actually appears to be a cheerful, sincere song sung by a pair of Tulsa ladies endorsing a grinning bigot who wants to force his medieval values on their vaginas and the entire country. But they're so damn happy about it. They want you to stand up, and sing, people! Hope is here! Rick Santorum is running to save the world, return white males to their rightful position of omnipotence, and ensure that the nation's women are left free to cook, procreate, and write dopey folk songs!

View this terrifying glimpse of our eight-children-per-family future (and read its entire lyrics) after the jump.

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Remember the good old days, when wine clubs were exclusively the pastime of pretentious assholes/your parents? Those days are over: Rolling Stone magazine just announced its own scheme to sell bottles of fermented grape juice to baby boomers with nothing better to blow their pension checks on. So when rock 'n' roll finally goes to its grave, it will do so with purple-stained teeth.

Naturally, the club's bottles of Mendocino cab and merlot are swathed in the artwork of classic rock 'n' roll bands. The labels feature Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon cover, the Police's Synchronicity, and Rolling Stones and Grateful Dead icons. In this wine club, you can have your nostalgia and drink it, too!

It's not the beverage we have a problem with. We like wine. Especially wine from those celebrated vineyards north of San Francisco Bay. And we didn't much mind that our be-loathed Train bottles its own "Drops of Jupiter" wine -- because, well, we don't consider Train a rock band.

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"You compared me to who?!"

​ We don't really love playing language police with you, Internet, but in the name of All That Is Holy, this cannot stand: You went and compared the head guy in some indie rock band called Beirut to ... Mozart. Wolfgang Amadeus Fucking Mozart.

You know, Mozart! Likely the greatest talent that Western music has ever known (arguable, sure, but certainly likely). Sure, he's totally on the level of the songwriter of one New Mexico rock band with Balkan influences and trumpets and accordions and pretty voices and stuff. Totally.

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So, guess what happened the other day? John Mayer announced to an audience of students at Berklee College in Boston that he was addicted to Twitter, prompting the sympathy of, we imagine, literally nobody. "I was a Twitterholic," he announced (possibly sobbing). "I had four million Twitter followers and I was always writing on it ... and it started to make my mind smaller and smaller and smaller and I couldn't write a song anymore."
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And stay dead! (Photo via.)

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In its July issue, Wired magazine takes note of a disturbing trend: The apparent unwillingness among young, music-loving cool types to let the cassette tape die a complete and much-deserved death.

Noting that 2010 saw both the last new car ship with a tape player and the end of production for Sony's Walkman (note to youth: It was like an iPod, except way shittier), the magazine scratches its head at recent tape-only releases from indie-rockers like the Mountain Goats and electronic musicians like Matthewdavid.

"Cassettes are about to be cool again," we're told.

Not if we have anything to say about it.

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Calibree Photography

Black Veil Brides at the Warped Tour

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At first we thought that was KISS strutting up at us from our slideshow of this weekend's Warped Tour at Shoreline Amphitheatre. But no -- monstrous black-and-white makeup aside, those guys are way too skinny to be in KISS.

Turns out we were eyeing Black Veil Brides, a Hollywood pop-metal act whose members look like the gaudy Grand Poobahs of arena rock if they were meth heads. This is apparently the kind of thing that now passes for Warped Tour fare: zebra-zombie makeup, bondagey black pleather getups, comical rhinestone-cross ear medallions. Take your yearly beer budget, double it, and you've got what these dudes spend on eyeliner in a single night. And just like their fast-heavy-soaring songs, you can't tell any of these semishirtless band members apart.

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This man is dangerous!

​Turns out we were wrong. For all these years, we considered Chicago rapper/romantic comedy star Common just a hair more hardcore than Jamiroquai. We thought of him as a somewhat conscious MC boasting a warm baritone, some strong tracks, and the allegiance of white guys who work at pizza places. We always kind of wished he were a little more interesting.

But ever since Common got invited to read poems at the White House, we've learned -- from conservative talk radio -- that his gentle music has actually militarized a generation of "thugs." Just this morning on San Francisco's KSFO, professional angry person Brian Sussman called Common's White House trip "an insult to America."

Sussman described his idea of Common's audience -- "The fourteen-year-old gangbanger who probably doesn't have a father or the dad's just one of those baby-daddies" -- and the message that kid will get from CDs like Finding Forever: "You got to have an Uzi. That's what this guy Common is all about, inspiring gangbangers."
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FarmVilleFreak.com

A glimpse of the future?

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Stefani Germanotta just killed us a little.

Germanotta, aka Lady Gaga, plans to release streams of songs off her new album, Born This Way, via a new online game, GagaVille, made by S.F. firm Zynga, of FarmVille fame.

You will have to compete to pretend to farm shit on your computer to hear these songs. The entire embarrassing ordeal will last from May 17 to 19.

Speaketh the Gaga: "I want to celebrate and share Born This Way with my little monsters in a special way that's never been done before. ... Zynga has created a magical place in FarmVille where my fans can come play and be the first to listen to the album."

UghdearGodpleasesayitain'tso.

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Since we have so many queer women in this fine city of ours, we figured we should probably just go ahead and throw this out there: Have any of you ever gotten so hot 'n' bothered after a make-out session that one of you started turning into a werewolf? No? Didn't think so. But that's the premise of a new movie named Jack & Diane (we hope you're suing, John Mellencamp) that stars none other than Kylie Minogue.

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