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So May is "Masturbation Month" which means business as usual for most of our fine readers (and writers), but for those of you who truly want to celebrate, here are a few dates to mark on your calendars:

Saturday, May 3, 7–10pm - Opening reception for "I Touch Myself," a collection of erotic photos, steamy paintings and illustration at Femina Potens. Details here.

Thursday, May 8, 6:30pm - Ask The Doctors - Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Robert Lawrence discuss the ins and outs of masturbation. Details here.

Sunday, May 25, 3pm - The 7th Annual Masturbate-A-Thon - Make some money for the Center For Sex & Culture by pledging your support for your favorite wanker. OR, sign up to masturbate on camera for the cause. Details here.

Anytime of the month - Post a Twittergasm and shame all your prudish friends.

Weekly Clubs Editor John Graham is surprised that Kleenex, Jergens, Johnson & Johnson, and/or any number of lubricant or shower massage-nozzle companies haven't seized the obvious marketing opportunities. Maybe they'll wise up while the month is young? That'll be the day. But then again this is San Francisco. --Janine Kahn

While April Fool's Day is San Francisco's most emblematic holiday, Valentine's Day is often our most triumphant. No other city in America is better able to peel the Hallmark holiday to reveal the sweat and semen of the early Lupercalia fertility rite on which it's based. And no sex-positive toy purveyor is better equipped or happier to help than Good Vibrations. During its Valentine fete, the Queen of Hearts Ball and Fairytale Pleasure Faire, an array of Good Vibes' more colorful tools of the trade — perhaps a blue Pandora Plug, a purple double-dipping Nexus, a glass Quasar, and a stainless-steel Barbell — are twirled and hurled by a dildo juggler. (You thought the headline was a joke?)
(Click to read on.)

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Tristan's annual roundup of toothbrush vibrators, anti-porn ribbons, and a kinky kingdom
By Tristan Taormino, newcomer to ASD

Best TV Love Triangle: The ultra-soapy Dirty Sexy Money is about the Darlings, an über-wealthy and even more dysfunctional New York family. Attorney General Patrick Darling (played by William Baldwin) is having an affair with a woman named Carmelita, but Carmelita is no ordinary woman: She's the first transgendered woman to be both a major character in a network drama and to be played by an actual transwoman, the legendary Candis Cayne. Cayne is divine in the role, which never once devolves into the stereotypical "tragic tranny." Plus, she gets to kiss and cuddle lots with Baldwin, who is believably smitten with her. When Patrick's wife Ellen discovers the affair, she insists that the three of them sit down and negotiate arrangements for a consensual open relationship, wherein the women take charge of getting their needs met. This happy, progressive love triangle doesn't last for long—Ellen soon shoots Patrick in a fit of jealous rage. But it was great while it lasted, and it is a nighttime soap opera, after all.

Worst Legal Ruling: By refusing to hear the appeal in the case of Sherri Williams v. Attorney General of Alabama, the Supreme Court basically upheld Alabama's ban on sex toys in the state, which prohibits

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If bestiality, amputees, midgets, furries, feet and pee-pee isn't enough wild and freaky shit for people to do, now bikes are involved for some reason. Far be it from me to pass judgment, but if that's what you're into, then bring some KY to the Roxie tomorrow for a warm family film titled "Pornography of the Bicycle." From the PR anus:

The Pornography of the Bicycle

Thursday, Jan 3, 2008
Roxie
3117 16th st (at Valencia)
San Francisco, California
7:00 and 9:30 PM
$10 or $7 for if you bike

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008, The Pornography of the Bicycle will be
playing for one night only at the Roxie in San Francisco. The
90-minute
showing will consist of 28 short films on the theme of Bike Porn. They
range from the contemplative, to the inventive, to the downright
illustrative. Included with the movies will be a live dramatic
recreation of the World Naked Bike Ride where bike porn curator Rev.
Phil Sano was hit by a drunk driver and then arrested*. Please be
advised of adult content.

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There are only eight more days until Christmas, and you want to make this year different for that special someone. You were thinking maybe drawing him or her a nice bubble bath from Lush, while you read a book of love poems from John Keats you found at Borders, then giving 'em some jewelry from Macy’s. Ugh. Gag me.

No, seriously, strap on a breathable ball gag into my mouth, lock up my member in a CB6000 chastity cock cage, and then hit me with a mid-level flogger. I’ve spent the past week wandering the sex shops of San Francisco, and they have gotten together and bukkaked me with gift ideas. Take a look at my suggestions and let me spread holiday cheer all over your face. Click on "The Rascal" above to see a slideshow with descriptions. — James Lee

(Special thanks to all the helpful employees and to my antibacterial hand sanitizer. Click on "More" for "The 12 Dildos of Christmas" Map.)

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(Nine Hartley, file. Live picture would've gone here, but Nude Aid is a bunch of prudes)
By Nathan Nugent

She’s been sucking dick since 77. Not that this entitles her to any special privileges, almost every women pushing 50 has been sucking dick for thirty years, but the thing about Nina Hartley is that she’s been sucking dick for money. And to be proud of that, flaunting that big ass, the star of countless anal penetration productions, looking amazing in black lingerie and a school teacher’s glasses, boastfully proclaiming herself to be a Queen of fucking was quite impressive. Then removing her top to reveal leopard print tittie tassles which she began to twirl like a pro even though it was her first time doing so, and amazing still that there is still a first time for anything with this sexual icon.

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By David Downs | Photos by Paul Quitoriano

"Strippers, toys, and homeless kids!" shouts forty year-old San Mateo husband Matthew "Doe" over the blasting music. "Everybody wins!"

The middle class white dude laughs as he watches his tame wife get a lap dance in the darkly lit, raucous Hustlers Club on Kearny St. The wife's giggling. Dollar bills fly. Somewhere, a feminist studies professor cries.

In the latest crass combination of charity and nudity, about 20 strippers and 100 fans of mammary glands are kicking off the 11th annual San Francisco Fire Fighters Union Toy Drive tonight in North Beach. Part of a ten-year-old tradition, a dozen strip clubs in San Francisco donate the house proceeds from one "benefit" song per evening during the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The money goes to the SFFFU Toy Drive, generating some $17,000 in 2006 and perhaps $100,000 for poor kids since the benefit began.

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The Harvest Season brought us a bumper crop of reader interest in boobs, Bonds, and bad costumes. Click on this link to begin a slideshow of your favorite stories as voted on by your clicks. -- David Downs

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Peep the slideshow from last night's tame genital party by clicking on the photo. Then wash your eyeballs out with soap, you perv. -- David Downs

Get ready for a weekend-long boner at this year's Exotic Erotic Ball. Y'know, any hardie lasting longer than a few hours and lil' homie could literally have to go. I mean amputated, son! So you best take care of your bits and pieces at this function. In the meantime, please absorb this answer to what is possibly the most important question to ask yourself at this freak fest:

Q. "Is groping allowed?"

A. No, dude, you just can't start groping people. Try to imagine that you had a normal upbringing for a minute - would you want people indiscriminately groping you? We'll answer that for you if you're having trouble - no, you would not. At the Exotic Erotic Ball, the operative word is respect. If you keep in mind that lots of people are feeling sexy and aroused, then you will realize that it is OK to ask someone if you can touch. Yes - it is OK to ask. But respect the answer. If it's not the answer you wanted, then ask someone else. Remember - if you grope, you leave. But - if it is consensual, then ... well, then it's not really groping, it's fondling.

From the SF Weekly:

Do you like to watch? Thought so. Everyone has a hankering for naughty (moving) pictures, though the winning Good Vibes entries generally eschew ramming and rutting in favor of sensuality, poetry, eroticism, and desire. There's a good bit of mirth, too, making for a rousing (and arousing) good time. Sex Ed was nothing like this.

Freelance photographer Paul Quitoriano follows up on his tremendous Morrissey shots with these explicitly beautiful photos from Sunday. Click here to start the slideshow.

Somehow, it didn't seem as wrong in the moment. ... Photos from San Francisco's world-class, leather and bondage-themed street fair, Sunday September 30, 2007. We'll have more all week, so come back, if that's what you're in to.

We're getting ready for a weekend of furry foot warmers, leather, and sweaty dancing here in SF when SFist reminds us that the world does not necessarily approve.
The above poster for the Folsom Street Fair 2007 got boycotted by some Catholics and now Miller is pulling out at the last minute, lest it conceive a pr scandal born of the virgin Mary.
Fuck all that. I mean, come on. As Brock points out, Da Vinci was a Mo! We're now living in an age where the boy-rapist league is calling the leather fetishists deviant. Go figure. -David Downs

Michel Houellebecq looks more and more prescient every day with
Platform. Islamic terrorism? Check. Sex tourism? Check? The cult of youth? Check.

"... Any other hobby that I was into at 40 years old is going to cost me $10,000," he said from a hot tub he was sharing with his girlfriend and a couple with whom they had been intimate the night before. "Dude, I'm addicted to it, there is no doubt about it."