Here Are the Songs Our Alkaline Trio-Obsessed Writer Thinks the Band Should Play in S.F. This Week

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Alkaline Trio plays the Warfield on Wednesday.
By RYAN RITCHIE

Alkaline Trio needs your help. Since Oct. 4, the threesome (singer/bassist Dan Andriano, drummer Derek Grant and singer/guitarist Matt Skiba) has been asking fans what songs they should play on their upcoming tour (which begins Wednesday, Oct. 23, at the Warfield). While it's a nice sentiment to ask ticket-buyers what they want to hear, the band could have saved a lot of time and energy by asking me -- since, let's face it, I know everything.

Okay, maybe I don't know everything, but I do know Alkaline Trio. The first time I saw the group was in 1999 at a warehouse near the Port of Los Angeles. My band opened, and since then my musical endeavors have produced jack shit, while Alkaline Trio has released eight full-length records, two compilation discs, and an acoustic album of the group's best-known material. Them's alotta songs to choose from, especially for fans who haven't spent half their lives singing along to "Nose Over Tail." That's where I come in.
Here are two songs from every Alkaline Trio release (not counting EPs) that should be played on this upcoming tour, as dictated by a guy who's spent way too much time listening to the band.

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Five Reasons Tyler, the Creator Suuucks

The first time we saw Tyler the Creator's video for "Yonkers," we were totally blown away. It was sharp, it was dark, it was infectious, it was crazy different. We immediately got all excited about this new rapper and his collective, Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All... until we realized they're all complete fucking idiots and "Yonkers" was a fluke. Here's five reasons Tyler the Creator suuucks.

1. He's (Still) Prattling on About Columbine

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First, Tyler Tweeted "R.I.P" to Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold -- who, lest we forget, murdered 13 people and injured 24 at their high school in 1999. Then he said they were "probably really cool people." Then, when people objected, he weakly stated: "I wasn't saying what they did was right." Then, most recently, he told Respect Magazine that if another Columbine was to occur, he would be the one to get the blame, "just like it was Em's and Marilyn's and fucking Slipknot's [fault] and all them motherfuckers." Hey Tyler, if you're going to keep bringing up the Columbine tragedy in a totally insensitive and ass-backwards manner that both disrespects victims and supports murderers, don't then start whining about how everyone will blame you if it happens again. Learn when to shut the hell up.

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Billie Joe Armstrong's New Signature Guitar Is an Attempt to Rewrite Green Day History

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The offending axe.
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Billie Joe, say it ain't so!
Other than the Les Paul -- an iconic six-string now far more famous than its namesake -- signature model guitars are generally an exercise in cynical maneuvering and kitschy accessories, put out by instrument companies aiming to capitalize on the longshot dreams of twentysomethings ignorant of the ways of credit cards, or the guilty regrets of parents looking to purchase goodwill from their neglected teenagers. Real musicians can't afford them, and those who can would rather put their own mark on a less gaudy slab of wood and wire than get sloppy seconds on someone else's Lucille.

Yet somehow, with its new Billie Joe Armstrong signature model, the respected Gibson guitar company actually did worse than the standard commercial imitation of an artist's well-worn road axe. Reprehensibly, Gibson actually tries to rewrite Green Day history with the new model.

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