The Grammy Awards are dull and insipid every year, but at least for the last two years the Recording Academy managed a few surprises: In 2011, Arcade Fire won Album of the Year, providing a climactic reality-check for thousands of indie partisans; in 2012, the awards attempted to both grapple with the EDM boom and mend a fraught relationship with hip-hop ... before ultimately handing the whole thing over to a stage full of men with guitars. But, having tried to gain (or feign) relevance and failed, at least those Grammy Awards failed rather spectacularly.

By contrast, the 55th Grammy Awards last night proved both incompetent and exceedingly dull -- light on surprises, innovations, and blatant hypocrisy. It was a night of playing it safe, and it was about as fun as, well, fun., the excellent-but-not-terribly-exciting pop-rock outfit that walked away with the awards for Best New Artist and Song of the Year.

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It could happen... maybe.

The Grammy Awards will happen Feb. 10, and since just about anybody can get themselves nominated, the Recording Academy of America has opened up the live performance roster, too. Its new "The Gig of a Lifetime" contest offers a chance for one lucky artist to perform in front of an actual live audience during the three days of Grammy-related events leading up to the actual televised awards ceremony.

There are hundreds of nominees vying for your votes on Facebook, most of them pretty tepid. One, however, stands apart: Berkeley rapper/mischief-maker/performance artist/college lecturer Lil B.

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Best Stage Diver: Taylor Swift.

The MTV Video Music Awards is an annual occasion for thrill and intrigue. An arena for a slutty young Madonna to writhe around the ground in a wedding dress, or even for a slutty old Madonna to French kiss a couple of aging pop tartlets. A place for pyro and pasties and grand interruptions -- I'mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had the greatest video of all time.

Alas, nothing much like that happened at this year's show, even though Taylor Swift did stage dive for the finale, yo. She's edgy.

The show was largely snoozeworthy, and you will be handsomely rewarded for conveniently forgetting to watch this year. However: We managed to dig up the lost categories and winners that didn't make it to the broadcast, and present them here for your consideration without product placement. Note that it wasn't just the token EDM category that got screwed over and left un-aired.

Best Private Moment of Shade Made Public

As Drake and Lil Wayne make their way to the stage to collect the award for Best Rap Video, the camera cuts to an angelic Rihanna, clad in white, who is chatting with her friend Katy Perry. Now, we're no miracle lip readers, but she seems to distinctly say, "these assholes."

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The 54th Annual Grammy Awards happened yesterday. Which we're sure you know already. If you missed it, however, you may have missed some of the weirdest details. So here, for your convenience, is a timeline of events. Get comfortable, 'cause this thing was a three-and-a-half-hour carnival of absurdity. Let's relive it.

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0:01: Bruce Springsteen opens the show with "We Take Care of Our Own." Because he's still The Boss. Some people later complain that he shouts "America, are you alive out there?," given what happened to Whitney Houston yesterday. Those people are stupid (he shouts that all the time).

0:04 Fergie is visible cheering and yelling "The Boss!" This is like the time she wore a Black Flag T-shirt. Stop ruining everything, Fergie. Man, you suck.

0:05 "We've had a death in our family," notes LL Cool J before saying a prayer for Whitney. Oh no. This Grammys is going to be a total bum-out. Lady Gaga looks like she's crying beneath that remarkably appropriate black veil of hers.

0:07 Clip of Whitney belting out "I Will Always Love You." Oh no. This Grammy's is definitely going to be a total bum-out.

0:09 LL Cool J makes Adele totally uncomfortable.

0:10 Katie Perry's got a handsome man sitting next to her. We miss Russell Brand.

0:11 Bruno Mars performs. We have a sneaking suspicion that he and Janelle Monae are the same person.


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The Flaming Lips

The O Music Awards -- MTV's online-streaming attempt to honor the world where music in 2011 lives and dies -- are Monday. Did you previously care? No? Well perhaps you will upon hearing that the Flaming Lips will pay a heartfelt tribute to Steve Jobs in the form of a Beatles cover.

The real question, however, is: What Beatles song will the Flaming Lips pick to honor the deceased Apple founder? And we have the answer after the jump...

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Our never-ending quest to uncover the greatest things in San Francisco doesn't stop at the edge of cyberspace. No sir! In fact, the SF Weekly Web Awards are designed purely to honor/celebrate/give cool plaques and free drinks to the folks who make local online culture the awesomefest is tends to be. That of course extends to music, where (we'd argue) some of the greatest tech talents develop web sites, Twitter feeds, and various other digital projects that capture the local scene in all its glory.

So help us, dear readers, find the best music-related web thingys this wacky city has to offer, and nominate your online favorites for the SF Weekly web awards.

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We could talk to you about the fact that Cee-Lo Green went upside down on a levitating piano or that Rihanna performed looking like a cheap Sunset Boulevard hooker, but there were a bunch of other things that happened at last night's Billboard Awards that confused and bemused us far more. Here are our 13 most shocking moments.


• Taylor Swift cheek-kissed Ke$ha on her way to
 pick up the Album Artist of the Year award and still managed to arrive at the podium with her porcelain rodent-face free of multicolored smudges, glitter, and filth. Ke$ha, you're slipping, girl.
You used to be way oilier than this. We're disappointed in you.


• Bret Michaels made an appearance without wearing one item of Ed
Hardy clothing.

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Yesterday, Perez Hilton announced (in his usual fawning, sycophantic way) that this year -- on May 31, to be precise -- there will be a Glee music awards show. We now officially feel like the cast of that show is so damn ubiquitous, its members might as well be breaking into our homes at night and slapping us in the face with their stupid jazz hands.

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Seriously. What is it with these kids? Isn't it enough that we already have to deal with their grinning faces and big musical gestures at every other award ceremony on the planet? They show up at everything: Golden Globes, Emmy's, Grammy's, VMAs, Teen Choice, Screen Actor's Guild, blah, blah, blah -- it is impossible to get away from these people.

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Carlos Santana thinks the Grammys shouldn't take away its Latin Jazz award.

When the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences -- the organization that gives out Grammy Awards -- eliminated 31 categories from the awards process last month, it seemed like a modest step toward streamlining an event many believe has become overwrought and out-of-touch.

But a community of musicians in the Bay Area and elsewhere is petitioning to reverse the change, saying the elimination of awards categories like Latin Jazz and Traditional World will deprive gifted musicians and entire musical cultures of recognition.

Led by five-time Grammy-nominated producer and musician John Santos, a number of Bay Area musicians held a press conference at Yoshi's in Oakland yesterday morning to voice their opposition to the change.

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