Gird Yourself For the Epic Mediocrity of the 2014 Super Bowl Halftime Show

Categories: The Horror

Bruno_Mars_1-SF.jpg
Calibree Photography
Bruno Mars. Is he a person?
For anyone who isn't planning to be stoned into catatonia -- and even those Super Bowl-watchers who are -- the brief flash of lights, song, and dance set to take place in the middle of this Sunday's carnival of beefcake brutality promises to show off some of the American pop landscape's merest dreck.

Last year America's most-watched musical event of the year got Beyoncé, reigning queen; this year we get Bruno Mars, an aspiring jester from the next township over who thinks it's cool to always look like he just got off a plane from Miami. (It may at least provide for some comedy when he attempts to perform in the frigid air of a New Jersey February.)

Oh, and we also have the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who'll be confirming their status as America's youngest classic rock band by playing Led Zeppelin's "Dazed and Confused."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is America, where the biggest thing on the tube is young men brutalizing each other into vegetative states over a sack of leather, interrupted by a milquetoast wannabe Michael Jackson known mainly for his boyish, vaguely exotic good looks, and a rock band that ran out of ideas a decade and a half ago. (We know Bruno Mars has poses and hairstyles, but does he have songs? Can you name one?)

That the Chili Peppers are playing is merely a bid to keep your dad from changing the channel between Bud Light advertisements. It may work, the way Chili Peppers efforts often kinda sorta work. But what a sad expectation mere functioning is when you have the attention of the whole -- admittedly beery, carb-coma'd, and largely stoned -- country. It's as if the NFL has decided to find the absolute floor of Americans' interest in football by boring to tears the more culture-inclined watchers, too.

Often the best things about the Super Bowl, at least for those of us with no stake in either team, are the advertisements and the halftime show. With Mars and the Chili Peppers set to perform midway through a contest that has already inspired record disinterest, we should all hope that the ad folks are at the top of their game.

-- @iPORT



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10 comments
Adrian Scott Peterson
Adrian Scott Peterson

I'm usually pretty entertained and / or proud of SF Weekly, but this...ehhhhhh....Bruno is a schmultzy, but clever songwriter and his live performance makes you forget the content of his songs, because he's that friggin' good. RHCP - don't know the current state of the band, but I'm sure they're still enjoyable. Get off your hater game. It's not fitting for this article.

Rachel Herrmann
Rachel Herrmann

Bruno Mars is an amazing performer, I have no clue what this person is on about. His performance on the Grammys in 2011 still stands as my favorite, ever.

Chad Kiyomi
Chad Kiyomi

Wow, what a hater. Both acts are badass!

Claudia Madiro Citroen
Claudia Madiro Citroen

Dude, there is more to life than dysarmonic cacophonia by Greatful Dead.... And if you were to poll your audience you'd be surprised how many uplifting and heartfelt chart topper this young man, snubbed by you publicly, has produced independently long before producers begged for a contract!

the_supernatural_law
the_supernatural_law

Um, yes actually I can name several Bruno Mars songs and I'm not even that young or hip... While I'm not a huge huge fan of his, even I can admit his songs are extremely catchy and he is a terrific, high-energy performer on stage from what I've seen on TV. Do your research!

Jonathan Lucero
Jonathan Lucero

How negative!what happened to sf being a city of openess and tolerance? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jack Coleman
Jack Coleman

Hopefully Russell Wilson getting injured.

dorgon
dorgon

They're not playing "a 30-minute version of Dazed and Confused" as they said on the radio. That was clearly a joke. 

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