"Bound 2": Kanye West and Kim K. Ride a Washing Machine Into Divorceville
You know those paintings of eagles and wolves and mountains and white horses and dream-catchers on black velvet, that are favored only by truck drivers, dudes who live in cabins, and cool kids who buy awful crap to be ironic? Well, those 1970s, color-by-numbers, bastions of poor taste got a boost this week when Kanye West based his new video, for "Bound 2," on everything that ever happens in them.
To make things infinitely more hilarious, Yeezy also invited his baby mama, Kim Kardashian, to be in the clip wearing a body that either (a) isn't hers or (b) has been heavily altered by tech wizardry to make her skinnier than she's ever been in her life.
Oh, just take a look at this nonsense already:
We know, we know. The first time you see this thing you go from slack-jawed wonderment to piss-your-pants-laughing in the time it takes a Ducati to go from zero to 60. And not just because the "effects" team on this job decided that sitting on a moving motorcycle looks exactly the same as sitting on top of an unstable washing machine on spin cycle. Why is Kimye vibrating like that?!
As for the song...well, this thing starts out just fine and descends into what can only be compared to the ramblings of SNL's Drunk Uncle: "You remember when we first met? Okay. I don't remember when we first met. But hey, admitting is the first step...and I know, with the hoes I got the worst rep, but, ey, the backstroke I'm tryin' to perfect. Ey-ey, you know we made it to Thanksgiving, so, ey, maybe we can make it to Christmas."
Is this weird out-loud-train-of-thought supposed to be romantic? Because if Kanye is directing this to the topless fianc√©e who's straddling him on the washing machine, it's actually pretty insulting. And then, to make matters worse, shortly after telling Kim their relationship might not make it to the end of the year, he ponders what would occur if she asked him about his "wish list" thusly: "Have you ever asked your bitch for other bitches?"
Now, we know Kim Kardashian isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but how has she not noticed what he's saying on this track? He is literally saying it to her (pouting, perfectly chiseled) face. If these two ever split, TMZ, the E! Network and every tabloid in the country will just point to the "Bound 2" video and exclaim: "Duh! Here he is telling her he wants to cheat on her and probably break up with her! While she's topless and wrapped around his tie-dye!"
Look. We actually love Kim and Kanye together. If ever there was a match made in heaven, it's between these two money-hungry, fashion-obsessed narcissists. We don't want them to break up -- and not just for the sake of their ridiculously-titled (but very cute) offspring, North West. Because if this video proves anything, it's that when these two are working together, the results are bafflingly entertaining. Think of the hilarity we can enjoy if they do make it past Christmas.
P.S. The line "I wanna fuck you hard on the sink, after that get you somethin' to drink" made us LOL for 10 minutes.