The-Dream's "Slow It Down" Feat. Fabolous: Let the Eye-Rolling Contest Begin

the dream slow it down.jpg

If ever a group of humans decided to get together and have a competition to see who could roll their eyes hardest, The Dream's "Slow It Down" (featuring Fabolous) would be an ideal song to get the ball rolling. There are so many heinous cliches and nonsensical assertions in this track, it's hard to even see straight while listening to it. To be fair, it's guest rapper Fabolous who pulls out the worst line of all ("All of a sudden I'm Winnie the Pooh and I'm all up in yo hunny") -- but this thing is just... stoopid.

Fabolous is also responsible for a moment in which R. Kelly is referenced, followed immediately by a background refrain that says "Pants on her" -- but actually sounds very much like "Piss On Her" -- and is not unlike the R. Kelly parody song that Dave Chapelle made so popular a few years back. This is an in-joke, right, fellas? Because if not, this is the biggest oversight since Christians decided to ignore dinosaurs.

Down, down, down, yadda, yadda, yadda, boring, boring, boring, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look. We're serious. We don't get it. Who hears this shit for the first time and goes 'Holy crap! I've never heard anything quite like this before! I must buy it at once! My boundaries! They're just being so... pushed!"?

To make matters even more insane, here, The-Dream at one point utters the immortal line: "You can see her ass from a satellite." Now, look dude. Even girls who are proud of their big butts don't wanna hear anyone say this about them. There's a solid booty and then there's NASA-related obesity. Know the difference. Women have been feeling proud of their big, round asses since "Baby Got Back," but no one wants to feel big enough to see from space, like the Great Wall of China or some shit.

Finally, we know this is supposed to be about music, but the style in this video leaves something (by which we mean a lot) to be desired. First and foremost, The Dream looks fresh out of a Boyz II Men video from 1990. Then there's the white boy in the clip who is fresh out of The Young & The Restless (or anytime daytime soap, really) -- which is not a good look unless you're a sexually frustrated, middle-aged housewife.

In summary, we cannot fathom why the same shitty R&B ballad keeps getting released over and over again. We get it already! You wanna make love. After the club. To a girl with a big booty. And a high sex drive. And a short skirt. And low self esteem. Isn't there a more interesting angle to come at this from yet? Sorry, The-Dream, this shit is beyond tired.

- @Raemondjjjj

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Music is good.  Essays of the form "Here is a song millions of people like; here is why it sucks" are fighting against the whole millions of people like the song thing.

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