Hella Weights: Slayer Fans Are Outraged, Bolt Thrower Is Amazing, and More

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By Cory Sklar
[Hella Weights is a new column in which Cory Sklar (@AskChaki) will muse on the current state of metal.]

Internet Reacts to Guy Getting Kicked Out of Band That Has Sucked Since the '90s
Last week, super-influential drummer Dave Lombardo went crying for his baba and binky and took to his Facebook page to complain about getting kicked out of Slayer, the band he helped form in 1981. Apparently he wasn't getting mad paid and was like, "Wha?" So he did some sleuthing regarding the band's finances. Great work, gumshoe! He found that something like 10 billion million bucks were missing. As the story goes, he brought this up to the other remaining band members, Kerry King and Tom Araya, during band practice, and they didn't want to hear any of it. Lombardo was promptly removed from the band after refusing to sign some insane non-disclosure contract. Needless to say, Internet metalnerds born after Dave left the first time in the 1986 became OUTRAGED! Let it be known, the new official spelling is now $£A¥€R (lol get it cuz it's money signs?)

A similar instance happened late last year, when beloved Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward was not allowed to participate in the band's latest attempt at a comeback. Bill also spazzed out like a man-baby on his social networks, and again the internet was OUTRAGED. But now it's been like four months so everyone forgot, and will still buy the Rick Rubin-produced Sabbath album because they are dumb. Also they will love seeing the guy with the dreads from Faith No More play with them in concert. Not a good time for old-dude metal drummers. Hopefully a positive will come from all this negativity and Lars will finally get kicked out of Metallica$h.

We think: Slayer has sucked for like 30 years and we're only interested in a Black Sabbath reunion if it includes Ian Gillan doing "Born Again."

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Bolt Thrower Is So Hot Right Now
All anyone is talking about is the scheduled Bay Area appearance of legendary UK death-metal heroes FUCKING BOLT THROWER at the Oakland Metro on May 26. It's a really killer lineup too, with FUCKING AUTOPSY, FUCKING BENEDICTION, and FUCKING NOOTHGRUSH joining the bill. As of this writing, there are less than 100 tickets left for the show SO GET 'EM NOW, KIDS! The show is presented by Oakland label Tankcrimes and we talked to label head Scotty Heath on how he put together such a rad show. "I challenged Baz of Bolt Thrower to a game of Warhammer Fantasy Battle and won for Oakland," he said. And why The Metro? "I wouldn't think of doing it anywhere else, the Metro supports the Bay Area metal and punk scenes, so we support them back. The Metro fucking rules."

We think:
Bolt Thrower is so amazing. We love when bands release the same sounding thing over and over again and throw the idea of progressing creatively away in the garbage. But seriously, this is going to be the show of the year.

Vtopian Kvlt Krvise Is Kapvt
No. 1 Metal God Mark McGrath announced in January that he was putting on The Mark Mcgrath & Friends Cruise! "I saw there was Ship Rock for metal bands, and one for death metal bands and I thought, "Why not get a bunch of bands from the '90s, multi-platinum acts that people certainly know and get them on a ship?" McGrath told the LA Weekly. The cruise included only the most brutal of bands, including Smash Mouth, Gin Blossoms, Spin Doctors, and my favorite, Vertical Horizon. "It's the utopian idea of what I think a fan would like to see," McGrath said. Well, paradise was lost once again when it was announced that the cruise is now cancelled. McGrath is all over his Twitter feed apologizing to bummed-out party moms around the country. He blames it on the recent kerfuffle on the Carnival Cruise liner Triumph, which was stuck at sea for several days. But fans are speculating that the cancellation was due to poor ticket sales.

We think:
We can't say that we are surprised, given that the official Twitter account of The Mark McGrath & Friends Cruise (now deleted) basically told us we could bring blow on board.

Cool Dudez Just Hangin' Out Doin Thangz
What do you get when powerhouses Marilyn Manson, Pantera's Vinnie Paul, Guns N' Roses axeman DJ Ashba, and funyman Carrot Top get together? This pretty sad pic:

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Got a question or need advice? Leave a comment below or Tweet to @askchaki and it might get answered in the next column!


My Voice Nation Help
6 comments
joshua.plain
joshua.plain

Lol, so true!

$£A¥€R and Metallica$h need to stop.

Bolt Thrower \m/

Also, that last picture is hilarious.


sftitan
sftitan like.author.displayName 1 Like

You guys are fucken stupid "Slayer has sucked for the last 30 years"??? Stop talking stupid shit about shit you don't know and you won't look fucken dumb. Eat a bag of dicks you jerk offs.

hatemachine
hatemachine like.author.displayName 1 Like

Translation: SF Weekly is a retarded cunt that doesnt deserve to blog

WTFWTF
WTFWTF

Who the fuck wrote this shit?

disko
disko like.author.displayName 1 Like

@WTFWTF if only it said who wrote it somewhere on the article!


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