An Open Letter to Chris Brown and His Abhorrent Neck Tattoo

Chris Brown at the VMAs

Dear Chris Brown,

About that new neck tattoo of yours that's causing such universal disdain: who the hell do you think you're fooling exactly? When the world notices that your new ink is clearly based on images of Rihanna's face after you beat the crap out of her three years ago, and you deny it, it is about as convincing as when you two imbeciles try to act like you're no longer hooking up. Stop insulting our intelligence and just own the fuck up to being the giant psycho that you are.

Sure, we were really amused when your (long-suffering) PR guy, Jeff Raymond, released a statement denying the tattoo's close and obvious resemblance to Rihanna, but we weren't fooled for a moment (and can't imagine what idiot would be). Honestly, we hope you pay Mr. Raymond a lot of dough, because trying to make you look like a good -- or even normal -- human is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. We bet his whole office pointed and laughed at him after he told E! News that your "tattoo is a sugar skull and a MAC Cosmetics design." That gave us a good giggle. Last time we checked, sugar skull lady face tattoos look more like this:


Your "sugar skull" looks far more like the harrowing photo of your "ex" the night you took it upon yourself to physically brutalize her. The mouth, the almond eyes, the arched brows, the face shape -- all of those things in your tattoo are, unmistakably, Rihanna. Denying that fact is pointless and eye-roll-worthy. Oh, and we tried to find a MAC ad campaign even vaguely resembling your neck travesty and failed to do so. Can you send us one of the images you were so inspired by? We'd love to see.

And guess what, jackass? Even if we did believe you -- even if we thought this was some kind of homage to MAC cosmetics and Mexican death rituals, you still come off like the dumbest, most insensitive man in the world. I mean, what convicted woman-beater in their right mind would get a tattoo advertising the fact that they enjoy images of dead/facially disfigured women? And then put it on their goddamn neck of all places? What? You couldn't think of a body part a little more subtle? Are you trying to advertise your own misogyny, dude? If so, you're doing a stellar job.

Here's the crazy thing: you could've used this moment to gain sympathy with the public (which you've been trying to do, like a petulant three-year-old, for the last couple of years). If you'd come forward and said you regretted beating Rihanna more than anything in the world and that you wanted to wear what you've done, on your neck, every day, forever, as a scarlet letter of sorts -- as a way to atone for your own repulsive behavior, and a reminder to never be That Guy ever again -- then the world would be way more sympathetic towards you, and less inclined to think of you as the giant douche that you so clearly are.