Worst New Song of the Week: Karmin's "Hello"
Man. When we heard that really ironically-titled new 3OH!3 song ("You're Gonna Love This"), we were like "Wow. Nothing could ever be more inane and vacuous than this auto-tuned piece of shit." But then we heard the new Karmin song, "Hello," and decided it should be the first in our new Worst Song of the Week series instead. We know what you're thinking: How could Karmin possibly create something worse than a 3OH!3 song containing the line "The girl was biting on my lips like Jeffrey Dahmer"? Well, we're surprised too, but also happy to break this down for you. Here's how terrible the new Karmin song is, second by second.
0.06: Irritating techno intro means we immediately feel like we're watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and have just come back from a commercial break. (Look, we watch that show for Scott Disick... it doesn't mean we like the soundtrack, okay?)
0.19: Opening line: "I'm gonna do it, do it, like I wanna do it." Seriously? That's supposed to grab our attention, you unimaginative whores? Ach. Annoyed already.
0.33: Oh no you di'-ent. Are you seriously gonna plagiarize the start of the chorus of frickin' "Smells Like Teen Spirit," change one chord, and expect us not to vomit all over ourselves? Did you "discover" that song after Miley Cyrus covered it? You sicken us, Karmin.
0.47: Wait, wait, wait. What the fuck is this horrendous woman doing now? It's like listening to a sorority girl doing Nicki Minaj at karaoke after one too many Mike's Hard Lemonades.
1:03: "Don't they know that I came from Nebraska"? Yeah, love, we figured that out the second you started trying to be "street."
1:15: Holy shit. Nebraska's "rapping" voice is so deeply aggravating, it reminds us of those horror stories you hear from Thai prisoners about bugs crawling into their ears at night and giving birth.
1:40: Dude shaves his head all over his new Pumas. Radical product placement, dude!
1:45: What the fuck is she wearing? It's like a dressing up box threw up all over her. Which is kind of what we'd like to do right now.
1:51: Oh, my god, she's rapping again. Bugs in the ears, bugs in the ears, bugs in the ears.
2:41: Nirvana chorus again. Dude examining his shaved head like he's just done something crazy! Hey asshole, you are not Richie Tenenbaum. It's a standard issue haircut. Get over yourself.
2:58: Just in case we weren't sure this song was nothing but a horrifying series of pop cliches, Nebraska is now huddled in a doorway, doing the classic vulnerable-lady-tries-to-keep-warm-in-foreign-climes pose... Clue: there's a lot of chest stroking involved.
3:10: Richie Tenenbaum and Nebraska hug unconvincingly on the street. These two are supposed to be engaged in real life, but judging from the overwhelming lack of chemistry on display here, we're going to go ahead and assume this is one of those Jack-and-Meg-White-are-siblings things.
3:28: Watching Nebraska's face doing the "Hello" part of the song makes us want to slap her even more than we did when she was "rapping." Man, this is a vulgar display of mediocrity...
3:33: Way to go on the Sony headphones, lady. Product placement in music videos is fucking disgusting. Don't think we don't notice this shit.
3:40: You can tell the song is going to end soon, because it's become even more repetitive than usual. At least we know the end is in sight.
3:57: Karmin drive off into the night in a red convertible looking far too pleased with themselves.
Seriously, who listens to this soulless-godawful-shit-dressed-up-as-anthem nonsense, anyway? Except for people who like the Black Eyed Peas, obviously. Karmin might be the worst thing to happen to pop music since LMFAO. Hope you're proud of yourselves, you smug bastards.
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