The Top 5 Worst Birthday Songs Ever
We know Mr. Wonder is a treasured and hugely important figure in American music, but this song is just as irritating as the traditional "Happy Birthday" song we're all subjected to once a year, except it goes on for six freakin' minutes. Six! Like this couldn't have been done in three! It is also not a song that has aged well, with an '80s vibe stronger and more jarring than Richard Simmons' tank top collection. Shelve this mother already.
4. "Happy Birthday," Altered Images
There is nothing cute or endearing about a grown woman singing like a 6-year-old who's high on cake. Possibly the most annoying thing about this song though -- and boy oh boy, there is a long list of annoying things -- is the fact that you know that it's almost good. We were so close to having an "alt" birthday song. But no! Old helium chops had to step up, do a crazy Molly Ringwald dance, and ruin it for everybody. We would like to note that squeaky-pants Clare Grogan went on to have a great career on British television. If only she'd just done that in the first place and spared us the pain of this.
3. "Birthday Sex," Jeremih
Everything about this song -- both lyrics and delivery -- is so incredibly, mind-blowingly, stereotypically bad R&B, it's like watching a parody that lies somewhere between Dave Chapelle's "Pee on You" and Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box." Here, Jeremih sings a variety of one-liners that are beyond comedic. Our favorites are "Tell me where you want your gift, girl" and "Don't need candles and cake, just need your body to make ... birthday sex." Absolutely absurd. Who buys this nonsense, anyway?