Singers: Here's How to Advertise Your Celebrity Perfume

Categories: Helpful Advice
These days, everybody and their back-up dancers has a fragrance out, as if the ability to sing also comes with innate perfumier abilities. For those of you considering a career in pop mega-stardom -- and, therefore, the fragrance business -- here are some tips on how to sell that all-but-inevitable eau de parfum.

Take Something Creepy and Make it Even Creepier

In her formative years*, trying to make it on the stages of NYC clubs, Lady Gaga was so poverty-stricken that she had to live in a bed-bug-infested warehouse with 17 roommates -- all of them lecherous men. Here, she has combined both of those terrible memories as a means to flog her perfume, Fame. "Buy my perfume," this image pleads. "Don't make me go back there..."

[*Description of formative Gaga years largely fabricated by us for the purposes of trying to understand this image.]  

Don't Be Afraid to Repulse Potential Buyers


Here, Tim McGraw has fully embraced all that he is, even though the overwhelming leathery moistness of the final result implies very much that the cologne being advertised here probably smells like an old horse sweating in the Texas sunshine. The lesson here? Take risks! Be bold! And be sure to find a design for your fragrance bottle that would appeal to 1977 Burt Reynolds and 1977 Burt Reynolds only.

If You Can't Get The Adults On Board, Sell to the Under-10s

Mariah Carey.jpg

First of all, you want to make your ad look like a bad acid trip from 1985. Second, you need to present yourself, not as a grown woman, but as the idea you had in your head when you were five years old about what it would be like to be a grown woman. Thirdly, give your fragrance line a name that is beyond inane -- Mariah Carey wisely chose Lollipop Bling. Finally, remember: perfume doesn't belong in bottles -- it belongs in oversized, plastic jewelry containers that are so insanely tacky, you couldn't sell them to a house full of Playboy bunnies having a pillow fight. The kids are gonna love this shit!

Treat 'Em Mean, Keep 'Em Keen


You know how there are tons of dudes out there who think that the best way to get attention from women is to be really, really horrible to them? Sometimes, geniuses like Sean Combs take that idea and run with it, weaving it into every facet of their lives -- even their fragrance campaigns. So -- smart guy that he is -- Puffy named his ladies perfume Unforgivable Woman and advertised the stuff with an image that looks like he's attacking a woman in a stairwell. Misogyny is the new black, people. Get on board.

Don't Be Afraid to Be Hideously Literal

Right, so if your perfume is called Purr -- as Katy Perry's is -- what you wanna do is make sure the perfume bottle is cat-shaped, then put together some ads in which you not only wear a cat suit, cat ears, and leopard print, but also do cat things -- like crawl around on the floor and play with balls of string. Hell, even the logo for the perfume has a tail. Who needs subtlety when you can beat the public in the face with your theme, using an image that reeks of 13-year-old boy fantasies and some serious need for attention?

Get Your Tits Out

When in doubt, do like Beyonce did when advertising her Heat fragrance and make a commercial so steeped in sex and the faces people make during sex that it gets banned from daytime television. Also, make sure you've got some industrial body tape to keep your nipples out of the shot. Sure, most of your boob is out there for the world to see, but you won't even get the ad on late night if there's visible areola.

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