The Voice Finale Recap: Jermaine Paul Wins; Juliet Simms Was Robbed!

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Over two shows last night and Monday, The Voice finally concluded and crowned a winner. As already discussed, we're weren't thrilled with the choices for finalists this year, but loved one of them (Juliet Simms) so much, we were willing to watch four hours of this thing to see how things turned out. Here's what happened:

Blake's finalist Jermaine Paul is up first on Monday's show, performing "I Believe I Can Fly," which plunges us into American Idol territory immediately. Still, Cee Lo Green gets all homoerotic about it afterwards: "You looked strong, like a handsome man with a beautiful voice," he says. This is a bit much, even for Cee-Lo. Which is possibly why Jermaine Paul has difficulty making words with his mouth five minutes later.

Cee Lo's finalist, and our favorite, Juliet Simms, is next up doing a cover of her coach's "Crazy." We've already been informed that she's sick tonight, which goes some way to explaining why she's not as raucous and raw as usual. Worst timing ever, germs. You absolute bastards.

Christina duets with ol' vampire eyes, Chris Mann, on "Prayer" (something from Phantom of the Opera might have been more appropriate). It's lovely in an overblown-lunacy-you-have-to-watch-when-you-go-the-theater-with-your-parents sort of way. In other words, it's moderately insufferable. And at one point, we're pretty sure one of Christina's breasts tries to escape from her dress.

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We're so bored of Tony Lucca at this point, the urge to fast forward through him is overwhelming. His cover of Jay Z's "99 Problems" is creative, alright, but it lacks the power of the original. Christina Aguilera thinks the choice of song is "derogatory towards women." Seriously Xtina? Have you seen your video for "Dirrty"? Pot, kettle, etc, etc. Then Adam Levine tries to tell Christina that the song is a "metaphor" for "life getting at you," despite the obvious, very specific "girl problems" reference in the chorus. Is it just us or did everybody have a crack-smoking party before the show tonight?

The finalists get free phones backstage. Tacky.

The vampire Mann is back to do a cover of his coach, Christina Aguilera's "The Voice Within." I believe the word we're looking for is: schmaltz.

The next contestant/coach duet of the night is up -- clearly this new feature has been employed to compete with ABC's new "Duets" singing competition. They needn't have bothered. No one's gonna watch that damn thing now Lionel Richie's not in it anymore. Anyway! Where were we? Cee Lo and Juliet Simms doing "Born To Be Wild." It's okay. Cee Lo was clearly in charge of wardrobe though:

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Adam Levine and Bland Face both hit the stage to do The Beatles' "Yesterday." We hate to say it (damn you, Tony Lucca!), but this is the first duet of the night that has really worked.

Jermaine Paul -- clearly a soul singer -- has to cover one of his coach's (country) songs now. So he does Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You." He does a remarkable job, given how out of his comfort zone he is. Paul takes it to the most obvious conclusion by telling Shelton at the end of the song: "I feel like God gave me you, man." Blake laughs uncomfortably. Brilliant.

Vampire Mann is up again doing "You Raise Me Up." Seriously. This show really has just turned into American Idol. Christina Aguilera pretends to cry. Hmmm.

Jermaine Paul and Blake Shelton do their duet -- "Soul Man" -- and look very genuinely like they're having the time of their lives. Which is a total relief when everyone else has been so overly dramatic tonight. Blake Shelton is adorable and Jermaine Paul sounds fantastic. Cutie pies.

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Tony Lucca returns and sings a Maroon 5 song ("Harder To Breathe"). Middle-aged white men across the country are crapping their pants with glee right now.

Juliet Simms hits the stage to do her cover of "Free Bird," shrouded in what appears to be one of Stevie Nicks' tents. She kicks this song's ass. Cee Lo notes: "Juliet is the breakout star. She is going to win this thing." We hope you're right, Cee Lo. We hope you're right...

The final finale show Tuesday night was a clusterfuck of ridiculousness and stalling -- except for an awesome Voice / Parks & Recreation joke fest, which we enjoyed thoroughly, and a montage about Purrfect the cat, whom Cee Lo has been seen clutching throughout the season.

Outside of that, we went from multiple finalist performances alongside eliminated contestants, through outtakes (we see Cee Lo eating chips annoyingly slowly and Aguilera telling Shelton that she doesn't want to go fishing with him anymore), and the weird pseudo romance between Adam and Blake, to performances from Flo Rida, Hall & Oates (no, really -- deeply unnecessary), Lady Antebellum (again, unnecessary), and Justin Bieber (obviously; and yes, He still looks like a cute lesbian).

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All of the finalists get given a car (we're not saying the type of car, on principle). It's tacky. But less tacky than the phone thing.

Then, finally -- as much as we've been loving seeing the previous (largely more interesting) contestants perform (come back, Raelynn! We love you!) -- it's time for the winner to be announced and we couldn't be happier to finally get to this point (this show is loooong).

Fourth place goes to Chris Mann (we think fourth should've gone to Tony Lucca, but Aguilera's wearing hot pants while she comforts Mann, which helps). Third place goes to Tony Lucca (duh). There's only four per cent between the two finalists... But Jermaine Paul gets it. Well, Christ on a bike, this is a repeat from last year, when Dia Frampton should've got it. Juliet was the one robbed this year -- just as Dia was last year. But Jermaine cries all the time and Blake Shelton is still adorable, so, hey, small comfort.

So Jermaine gets the record deal with Universal Republic -- we can only hope that someone has the good sense to give a deal to Juliet Simms. Like today. Get on it, labels. She's a genius.  

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9 comments
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Karrie
Karrie

Another example to me that the show is rigged, felt it last year from the beginning no matter what anyone else did Jesse was getting the winner's spot.  This year they did a better job of not looking quite so obvious but how many times was Alicia Keys mentioned.  Again it's a story of who you know, and reality TV being a farce.  It was decided early on again WHO would walk away with the winning slot.  Juliet should have won, Tony Lucca was kept on so Xtina could do the dump on Adam thing throughout the season.  Xtina keeping Chris Mann til the end showed diversity, I think the only thing that was unexpected was Jamar.  I won't be watching again it's not WHO America votes for even though they say it is, it's about ratings and the judges bickering to make the viewer think America really chooses.

Guest
Guest

I can't believe he won when he can't even remember the words to the songs he sings! Anyone see the Today Show this morning??

Brendablantz
Brendablantz

Nope, I didn't see and I don't want to cut on anyone but, I wanted Juliette, shes awesome, and deserved to win. I was really bummed!

Elise_rx
Elise_rx

Shame on you! Juliette was a great singer, but don't minimize the great voice and stage presence of Jermaine, because she didn't win! Good grief! Even children understand that the person with the most votes, gets the prize... Except for the US Presidential election of 2000...

At any rate, ALL of the final four contestants were great and all will end up with awesome recording contracts. I just hope Jesse, from Team Christina will land on his talented feet after being pushed out of the competition way too early.

I can't wait till next year. The voices were truly remarkable and I enjoyed almost every performance.

Tommy
Tommy

Dia was robbed last year! ...and now it was Juliet's turn.Javier Colon and Jermaine are great singers, but they are boring as hell!

Maybe its because all the cool people who loved Juliet and Dia, just didn't vote enough... thinking they are the clear winners and your vote was not needed.

sf
sf

agree, agree!  were you sitting in our living room?  (except, please tell me you were facetious about Rae Lynn?!  Can't stand her!

Rb
Rb

i agree with you--juliet is a genius. she's the complete package and the only reason i stuck it out during the horrid finale segment. i'm claiming i won't watch "TheVoice" next year because i'm sick and tied of these reality song shows where talens like adam lambert and juliet get left at the alter (yeah! we can marry so I can make these kinds of asides).

bobbee87
bobbee87

100% correct assessment.  Love Juliet.  When Jamar (I mean Jermain) won, it was a serious what the **** moment.  In fact, pretty sure that was my exact response.  No offense to Jermain, but uh, what?  There were great moments during the season and Jermain was involved in exactly 0 of those moments.  Cheesy 80s' love songs, not a big market for those.  I smell yet another winner sinking into obscurity.  The Voice may have jumped the shark last night.  Horrible and completely disatisfying end.

Justpe
Justpe

lol! Awesome article, I laugh a lot, specially with Tony thing. Too bad Juliet didn't win, but she is so awesome that I hope she get the best career ever!

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