The Voice Finale Recap: Jermaine Paul Wins; Juliet Simms Was Robbed!

Over two shows last night and Monday, The Voice finally concluded and crowned a winner. As already discussed, we're weren't thrilled with the choices for finalists this year, but loved one of them (Juliet Simms) so much, we were willing to watch four hours of this thing to see how things turned out. Here's what happened:

Blake's finalist Jermaine Paul is up first on Monday's show, performing "I Believe I Can Fly," which plunges us into American Idol territory immediately. Still, Cee Lo Green gets all homoerotic about it afterwards: "You looked strong, like a handsome man with a beautiful voice," he says. This is a bit much, even for Cee-Lo. Which is possibly why Jermaine Paul has difficulty making words with his mouth five minutes later.

Cee Lo's finalist, and our favorite, Juliet Simms, is next up doing a cover of her coach's "Crazy." We've already been informed that she's sick tonight, which goes some way to explaining why she's not as raucous and raw as usual. Worst timing ever, germs. You absolute bastards.

Christina duets with ol' vampire eyes, Chris Mann, on "Prayer" (something from Phantom of the Opera might have been more appropriate). It's lovely in an overblown-lunacy-you-have-to-watch-when-you-go-the-theater-with-your-parents sort of way. In other words, it's moderately insufferable. And at one point, we're pretty sure one of Christina's breasts tries to escape from her dress.


We're so bored of Tony Lucca at this point, the urge to fast forward through him is overwhelming. His cover of Jay Z's "99 Problems" is creative, alright, but it lacks the power of the original. Christina Aguilera thinks the choice of song is "derogatory towards women." Seriously Xtina? Have you seen your video for "Dirrty"? Pot, kettle, etc, etc. Then Adam Levine tries to tell Christina that the song is a "metaphor" for "life getting at you," despite the obvious, very specific "girl problems" reference in the chorus. Is it just us or did everybody have a crack-smoking party before the show tonight?

The finalists get free phones backstage. Tacky.

The vampire Mann is back to do a cover of his coach, Christina Aguilera's "The Voice Within." I believe the word we're looking for is: schmaltz.

The next contestant/coach duet of the night is up -- clearly this new feature has been employed to compete with ABC's new "Duets" singing competition. They needn't have bothered. No one's gonna watch that damn thing now Lionel Richie's not in it anymore. Anyway! Where were we? Cee Lo and Juliet Simms doing "Born To Be Wild." It's okay. Cee Lo was clearly in charge of wardrobe though:


Adam Levine and Bland Face both hit the stage to do The Beatles' "Yesterday." We hate to say it (damn you, Tony Lucca!), but this is the first duet of the night that has really worked.

Jermaine Paul -- clearly a soul singer -- has to cover one of his coach's (country) songs now. So he does Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You." He does a remarkable job, given how out of his comfort zone he is. Paul takes it to the most obvious conclusion by telling Shelton at the end of the song: "I feel like God gave me you, man." Blake laughs uncomfortably. Brilliant.

Vampire Mann is up again doing "You Raise Me Up." Seriously. This show really has just turned into American Idol. Christina Aguilera pretends to cry. Hmmm.

Jermaine Paul and Blake Shelton do their duet -- "Soul Man" -- and look very genuinely like they're having the time of their lives. Which is a total relief when everyone else has been so overly dramatic tonight. Blake Shelton is adorable and Jermaine Paul sounds fantastic. Cutie pies.


Tony Lucca returns and sings a Maroon 5 song ("Harder To Breathe"). Middle-aged white men across the country are crapping their pants with glee right now.

Juliet Simms hits the stage to do her cover of "Free Bird," shrouded in what appears to be one of Stevie Nicks' tents. She kicks this song's ass. Cee Lo notes: "Juliet is the breakout star. She is going to win this thing." We hope you're right, Cee Lo. We hope you're right...

The final finale show Tuesday night was a clusterfuck of ridiculousness and stalling -- except for an awesome Voice / Parks & Recreation joke fest, which we enjoyed thoroughly, and a montage about Purrfect the cat, whom Cee Lo has been seen clutching throughout the season.

Outside of that, we went from multiple finalist performances alongside eliminated contestants, through outtakes (we see Cee Lo eating chips annoyingly slowly and Aguilera telling Shelton that she doesn't want to go fishing with him anymore), and the weird pseudo romance between Adam and Blake, to performances from Flo Rida, Hall & Oates (no, really -- deeply unnecessary), Lady Antebellum (again, unnecessary), and Justin Bieber (obviously; and yes, He still looks like a cute lesbian).

 
All of the finalists get given a car (we're not saying the type of car, on principle). It's tacky. But less tacky than the phone thing.

Then, finally -- as much as we've been loving seeing the previous (largely more interesting) contestants perform (come back, Raelynn! We love you!) -- it's time for the winner to be announced and we couldn't be happier to finally get to this point (this show is loooong).

Fourth place goes to Chris Mann (we think fourth should've gone to Tony Lucca, but Aguilera's wearing hot pants while she comforts Mann, which helps). Third place goes to Tony Lucca (duh). There's only four per cent between the two finalists... But Jermaine Paul gets it. Well, Christ on a bike, this is a repeat from last year, when Dia Frampton should've got it. Juliet was the one robbed this year -- just as Dia was last year. But Jermaine cries all the time and Blake Shelton is still adorable, so, hey, small comfort.

So Jermaine gets the record deal with Universal Republic -- we can only hope that someone has the good sense to give a deal to Juliet Simms. Like today. Get on it, labels. She's a genius.  

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