How to Deal With Airport Security When You're a Famous Musician

Categories: Helpful Advice
tsa.jpg

The problem with being famous and getting special treatment everywhere you go is that you sometimes forget that rules actually apply to you. Yes, music stars, we know you think you're more important than the rest of us plebeians, but make no mistake about it: In the eyes of airport security, you're a nobody. Worse: you're a nobody who's taking twice as long to take your shoes off at the bag scanner because they're vintage Louis Vuitton (to match your luggage). Since 2 Chainz got arrested in New York's LaGuardia Airport yesterday for carrying an item perceived to be brass knuckles by the TSA, we figured now was a good time to help y'all out with a handy guide. Here's how to get through airport security when you're a famous musician.

Don't Be A Diva

diana ross.jpg

Yes, yes. We know you have a reputation to uphold and need to behave like a snarky, demanding pain in the ass all of the time, but, seriously. Do yourself a favor and switch that nonsense off for the sake of airport security. In 1999, Diana Ross learned the hard way that being a legend doesn't get you out of the searches the rest of us are subjected to when we travel. After setting off a metal detector in London's Heathrow Airport, Ms. Ross responded to being frisked by a security guard by trying to inappropriately pat down the guard that was searching her. She was consequently arrested and seen crying all over front pages and news reports for days afterwards. Sort yourself out, baby love! The rest of us have to put up with this crap all the time!

Hey Idiot! Leave Your Drugs At Home!


paul_arrested.jpg

Now, listen up, musician types, because a lot of you seem to have a particularly hard time grasping this one: Paul McCartney was famously arrested and jailed for 10 days in 1980 for trying to smuggle 7.7 ounces of weed through Tokyo's Narita Airport. Dionne Warwick was arrested and charged with pot possession after trying to get 11 joints through Miami International Airport. Whitney Houston, following in her cousin's footsteps, also got into trouble for trying to get the green stuff through security when she was traveling with Bobby Brown from Hawaii to S.F. Why you no listen, music people? Getting drugs through airports is about as smart as smoking in airplane bathrooms. They will find you! And they will punish you! Just stop it, already!

Remember: Taking Weapons to Airports Looks a Bit... Terroristy

Harry+Connick+Jr.jpg

A reminder: looking good does not get you a free pass in an airport situation. Not even a human as unbelievably charming and handsome as Harry Connick Jr. can take a gun to an airport and expect to float through security. The gun wasn't loaded at the time, but ol' Harry (or perhaps we should say young Harry -- he was 24 when this happened) got charged with fourth degree possession of a weapon after taking his piece to New York's JFK Airport in 1992. Silly, silly boy.

Try Not to Behave Like a Violent Criminal

axl rose.jpg

Axl Rose (of course this section begins with the words "Axl" and "Rose") threatened to punch-out a female security agent in 1998, at Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport, for searching his bag (the nerve of these people!). He was charged with disorderly conduct, but we think he should've been tried then and there for Being a Massive Douche. Sadly, that's not a real crime (if it was, they'd have locked him up in 1991 and thrown away the key), but either way, try not to physically threaten your security folk -- especially when they're of the opposite sex. No one likes woman-beaters, even famous ones.

Learn From Your Mistakes, Foo'

sdd.jpg

Seriously. We know you weed smokers suffer from occasional mind fog, but this is ridiculous. At one point, Snoop Dogg got busted at airports so often, he seemed to have taken it up as a  hobby. We have to assume 2006 was a good year for getting wasted for Snoop, because no matter how many times he got into trouble, he never seemed to learn from it. First, he and his entourage were arrested in Heathrow after a brawl broke out in a British Airways lounge. Later he was caught with a collapsible police baton in his luggage (you know, just in case), and, finally, Snoop was arrested at Burbank on suspicion of possessing weed (not a huge surprise, that one) and also for pulling a Connick Jr. (that's possessing a handgun). Just say no, everybody. Just say no.


----
Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra @Raemondjjjj, and like us at Facebook.com/SFAllShookDown.

My Voice Nation Help
1 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
conxion45
conxion45

Thank you for this info. I agree for your point and I think we must apply this also to the celebrity. Very nice idea. Cheers!

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Drink

San Francisco Event Tickets
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.
Loading...