The Grammys: A Timeline of Madness and Misery
0:01: Bruce Springsteen opens the show with "We Take Care of Our Own." Because he's still The Boss. Some people later complain that he shouts "America, are you alive out there?," given what happened to Whitney Houston yesterday. Those people are stupid (he shouts that all the time).
0:04 Fergie is visible cheering and yelling "The Boss!" This is like the time she wore a Black Flag T-shirt. Stop ruining everything, Fergie. Man, you suck.
0:05 "We've had a death in our family," notes LL Cool J before saying a prayer for Whitney. Oh no. This Grammys is going to be a total bum-out. Lady Gaga looks like she's crying beneath that remarkably appropriate black veil of hers.
0:07 Clip of Whitney belting out "I Will Always Love You." Oh no. This Grammy's is definitely going to be a total bum-out.
0:09 LL Cool J makes Adele totally uncomfortable.
0:10 Katie Perry's got a handsome man sitting next to her. We miss Russell Brand.
0:11 Bruno Mars performs. We have a sneaking suspicion that he and Janelle Monae are the same person.
0:13 "Get off your rich asses!" Mars shouts at the audience before doing James Brown splits. We like him very much.
0:20 Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt hit the stage. They give shout outs to both Whitney and Etta James before going into "Sunday Kind of Love." This really does feel like a (really, really glamorous) wake.
0:24 Adele wins Best Pop Solo Performance for "Someone Like You." Well, duh! She's sitting in the front row. That means she'll probably be up and down off that stage tonight like a beautiful Cockney yo-yo.
0:25 The entire room gleefully cheers for an arrogant woman-beater who doesn't even have the decency to sing live. We'd hate him even if this song wasn't predictable pop hogwash (which it is, unsurprisingly). Fuck Chris Brown.
0:36: Fergie and Marc Anthony present the Best Rap Performance award. It's like the producers wanted to get the most annoying faces in the room out of the way early on (Jay-Z and Kanye win for "Otis," in case you care. They don't -- neither of them are here).
0:38 Reba introduces a Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean duet. We'd say we'd forgotten how great Kelly Clarkson's voice was. But we didn't. Because we love her. (Don't tell anyone.)
0:47 Jack Black introduces Foo Fighters performing "Walk" in a tent outside the Staples Center. It looks and sounds exactly as you imagine it does. Gosh, they're dependable.
0:56 Hey, Rihanna! 1980's Tina Turner called! She wants her wig back! "We Found Love" is awesome though -- especially with all these dancers stomping about the place.
1:00 Chris Martin from Coldplay arrives with an acoustic guitar and starts singing...
1:06 ...Wait. What just happened? We fell asleep for a minute (or six).
1:14 Chick from NCIS (or one of those shows) arrives with a salsa-doing football player. Shit just got really uncomfortable.
1:15 Best Rock Performance goes to the Foo Fighters. This outcome is as predictable as that performance 28 minutes ago. Grohl gets cut off before he's finished his speech. Whoops!
1:18: Maroon 5 start a Beach Boys tribute thing. Adam Levine sings "Surfer Girl" like it's about his dead grandmother. Way, way too earnest, buddy. Especially given the fact that you're surrounded by clumsily placed surfboards.
1:19 Oh crap. Now Foster the People has joined in. The singer looks like he's literally shitting his pants right now. And even that doesn't make this watchable.
1:21 Ryan Seacrest turns into an even bigger sycophant than usual while introducing The Beach Boys. When Adam Levine joins in with the awesome old men on "Good Vibrations" he looks like he's crapping his pants. Crap pants party!