A Second-By-Second Breakdown of the Worst Christmas Music Video Ever Made
In case you missed all the twinkling lights and massive, decorated trees everywhere, the holiday season is well and truly upon us. And, as you already know, that means it's also the season for awful, cringe-worthy music you can only listen to for -- at most -- one week of the year (the only exception to this rule is "Christmas In Hollis" by Run DMC, which is awesome any day of the year).
Thus, we decided to go on a quest to find the very worst Christmas music video ever made. It was quite the battle -- we're pretty sure our eyes started bleeding halfway through that product-placement-ridden Mariah Carey/Justin Bieber travesty that just came out, and Slade's "Merry Christmas Everybody" is positively suicide-inducing.
0.29: This year's annual mullet convention decided to meet in the Alps. Look how thrilled they all are to be with their own kind!
0.35: The only non-mulletted one in the bunch starts feeling nervous. "Lord, why didn't I grow my perm out in the back?" she ponders, biting her bottom lip pensively. "I feel so left out!"
0.41: George Michael's girlfriend (ha! girlfriend!) solemnly shakes everyone's hands while apologizing for her side mullet. "I just didn't put enough hair spray in to keep it in place today, so now it's skewiff. It'll look better later, I promise..."
0.50: The team, plus skis (snowboards hadn't been invented when this thing got made -- that's how crazy old George Michael is), hits a cable car marked LSFF. We think that stands for "Look. Stop Farting, Fucker". Have you ever been in one of those things? There's, like, zero ventilation.
1:14: George Michael wears tinsel as a feather boa. Dear video ladies, this is the point where you're supposed to start noticing that he might not be as interested in your team as you think he is.
1:17: Two of the mullets try and disguise the fact that the top half of their Christmas tree has absolutely no pines on it. What kind of terrible budget did this video have?
1:24: Bad perm looks up at awesome mullet longingly. Who can blame her? That thing's like a living, breathing being all of its own.
1:33: A man who's recently been involved in a collision with a large bag of cocaine arrives looking smug and carrying logs. There's one at every party, eh?
1:44: Andrew Ridgeley's mullet is so long, it needs the support of giant shoulder pads hidden in his dressing gown.
2:00: The gang all hits the snow and tries too hard to look like they're having fun (this must've been shot on New Year's Eve -- everybody does that on New Year's Eve). Meanwhile, George Michael watches on sadly, clearly suffering through stomach cramps that force him into an almost-pooping stance.
2:13: A round-table, in-depth hair analysis occurs, during which time everyone ultimately looks to George, knowing full well that hair as feathered and perfectly high-lighted as his doesn't come easy. Props, Mr. Michael. Props.
2:20: George gets a little smug about the whole thing.
2:41: Gratuitous product placement from QVC's 1984 diamante line.
2:45: The gang have just figured out that the case with all their hairspray in was lost at the airport. Major bummer.
2:57: Finally, bad perm starts feeling better! She didn't forget her mousse! Her vacation is saved!
3:01: To celebrate, bad perm and George Michael go for a frolic in the snow. Why did anyone bring skis to this thing when it's so obvious that no one has any intention of using them?
3:04: Chase me, George Michael! Chase me!
3:08: "Look!" says George. "My hair totally doesn't even move when I shake my head."
"That's crazy!" giggles bad perm, "and also the sexiest thing I've ever seen! Let's go inside and check out each other's QVC jewelry in front of the fire!"
3:26: Like Chris Martin from Coldplay, certain members of the gang rarely walk when they have the option to skip.
3:45: Bad perm and George, however, prefer to hike exhaustingly, uphill, in deep snow, to prove they are above such things.
3:51: Hey! Dudes! You didn't use those skis once did you? Not once! You're just carrying them because you haven't got a wardrobe as awesomely '80s as the others and you think the skis will give you cool points. If you had any sense, you'd have borrowed a couple of Andrew Ridgeley's dressing gowns by now and saved yourself the shoulder ache (even Ridgeley's gargantuan shoulder pads are lighter than skis!).
4:26: The mullet convention returns from the mountain, thrilled that this useless tale of will-they-won't-they is over with no drama (no, seriously -- never has a video promised so much drama and adultery without delivering on any of it). The viewer however, can't help but wonder why the entire gang is wearing the exact same outfits that they arrived in. Somebody forgot to hire a continuity editor...
4:33: "Merry Christmas and Thank You". No, Wham!, thank you. Thank you for creating this time-capsule of awfulness to stand as a reminder to humankind that the '80s were truly an ugly time -- and also that no one knew George Michael was gay for an incredibly long time.
Happy holidays, everyone!
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