How To Be in Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend's Music Video (Without Looking Like an Idiot)
|Britney Spears and boyfriend Jason Trawick in the new "Criminal" video|
Don't Be Slutty in a Place of Worship
When Axl Rose rolled home to his then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour and asked her to be in the video for "November Rain," we bet the conversation went something like this:
Axl: "Honey, I've been thinking..."
Stephanie: "Is everything alright, dear?"
Axl: "Yeah... I guess. It's just that I'm punching so far above my weight right now, dating you and all, I kind of want to put you in a Gn'R video to prove that this even happened."
Stephanie: "Oh sweetie, I'd love to, but only if I can dress like a puffy whore in church and have you ram your tongue down my throat while a priest watches. Is that cool?"
Axl: "Honey, you read my mind! Man, this relationship is going to last forever!"
Do Something Useful
Sure, Jay-Z is in the video for Beyonce's "Crazy Right Now" -- one of the greatest pop songs ever written, incidentally -- but he raps on it! So he's totally allowed to be there! Plus, frankly, the real star of this video is neither B nor Z -- it's Beyonce's butt. Truly, the world is beholden to your rear, Ms. Knowles.
Don't Mime Like a Crazy Person
Supermodel Jerry Hall was all over Brian Ferry's mid-70's work when they were a couple -- album covers, videos, and all. We can't help but wonder if this one had anything to do with Jerry running off with Brian's mate, Mick Jagger, the following year -- she must've been embarrassed about all the terrible miming she does. "You made me wear a tail!" Jerry probably yelled on her way out. "And look, I've been biting my tongue about this for months, Brian, but you have to choose between the white linen suits and the creepy 'stache. You can't have both at the same time because it makes you look like a murderer..."
Do Look Like You're Having a Good Time
Whitesnake were so great at being an '80s band that it had not one, not two, but three -- count 'em three! -- synthesizers. No wonder its members got all the hottest chicks. Here's David Coverdale's then-wife, Tawny Kitaen, looking so happy, we have to wonder if she inhaled too much hairspray before the shoot. Does she do weird gymnastics on the hood of some fancy cars? Yep. Does she hang out of the side of a moving vehicle like a drunk cheerleader on prom night? That'd be a yep, too. But holy gas fumes, she's clearly having the time of her freakin' life. Without her, this video would've been... even worse.
Don't Look Like a Slave Boy
And here's Ben Affleck showing the world what a sensitive and doting husband-to-(never)-be he is, getting crap out of J-Lo's eyes, kissing her long time, pumping her gas (while she drives), getting down on his knees to find her earrings, and lifting her up in swimming pools all over the place. It's not hard to tell who's wearing the pants in this relationship, dude. We can't help but wonder if he knew how emasculating this was going to be. And we really, really can't help but wonder how awkward it gets in the Affleck-Garner household when this pops up on MTV. This has gotta be a bigger regret than Daredevil.
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