The Six Best Ways to Get Kicked Out of a Turntable.fm Room

Welcome to your new home.

​If you're like half the Internet (the lame half), you're currently infatuated with the newest reason the U.S. will soon only be known as China's once-great fallen rival: Turntable. This is the website that lets you DJ with friends and strangers instead of working, walking your dog, maintaining relationships, showering, eating, and feeling human emotions. It's addictive as all get-out, and to be real with you, it took me four days to write this article because of it. My time on the site has taught me a few things, most of them about getting booted from DJ rooms for pissing off some sensitive idiots new friends. If you follow my simple rules below, you too can get your ass tossed out of the website that lets you add a soundtrack to your day. Your day of listening to songs and doing jackshit else. Enjoy!

1. Playing Mazzy Star in the Death Metal room.
Lots of rooms have themes, or genres, musical eras, or whatever, and if you don't come correct, your ass is as good as booted into Turntable Siberia. If you step to a room that's booty-shaking beats and you bust out Fleet Foxes, it's not gonna fly. Also, you suck. And it can even get more specific than that: You might think you're in a '90s room, and start to bump some Tori Amos 'cause she's your girl (haters to the left!), but then it turns out they're strictly New York indie circa '92-'93. Pack your motherfucking bags 'cause you're BOOTED!

This dance party crowd is not ready for my depressing-ass jelly.

​2. Leaving your computer mid-DJ.
You absolutely cannot do this, and why would you want to? You are there to jam, and be jammed, not coast along on autopilot. The room theme could change, and you could still be playing late-'80s hip-hop when everybody moved onto slow jams. It'd be like Steve Urkel hanging out on an episode of The Wire going, "Did I do that?" over and over. The world has moved on!