Train Releases a Signature Wine, Becomes Instantly More Irritating

Prepare to be hit by a tsunami of nausea as we inform you that Train -- probably the most insipid band from the Bay Area -- is bringing out a wine (called "Drops of Jupiter" -- after one of its biggest songs -- just to annoy us that little bit more), apparently aided by San Francisco Wine Co. This is hot on the heels of the band members launching a wine club last year (we're not joking). Obviously, after all of the whining Patrick Monahan did during the chorus of "Hey Soul Sister" (still in our top ten worst tracks of all time), wine-ing must have seemed like the next logical step.

This latest gratuitous merchandising scheme is just another in a series of head-scratchingly irritating marketing ploys from musicians who already make more than enough money as it is. It's been bugging the crap out of us for weeks, for example, that Justin Bieber now has a line of nail polish. Now he's released a godawful perfume, too. We know this because an ad for that putrid scent recently prevented us from finishing a perfectly good gossip rag by prompting an instant headache.

Remember when musicians just made music and sold us T-shirts and posters from time to time? Remember when vocalists were just vocalists and not "brands"? This shit is way out of hand at this point and it doesn't even make any sense anymore.


What the hell does Justin Bieber know about nail polish? Seriously. If Pete Wentz had released a line of black polishes (don't get any ideas, Wentz, this is purely hypothetical), it would've at least made some sense, since he actually wears the stuff. Bieber's line merely feels like a cheap and blatant exploitation of his tween fans -- or at least their parents' wallets.

Similarly, why should we presume that the members of Train have wonderful taste in syrah? What makes their palates so goddamn special? And will their fans (whom frankly, we already have beef with based on their music taste alone) actually buy this wine? Probably. Apparently, we'll buy anything these days if the label is right.


Which is probably why we're at the point where, if you are a female musician, you are practically obliged to bring out a perfume. Why? We don't know what Rihanna smells like (or J-Lo, or Britney), so why would we aspire to smell like her? Then there's Gwen Stefani, who, not content with releasing one perfume, had to go and release five scents at once.

When will it all end? Jonas Brothers pasta? Eminem tattoo ink? Ke$ha condoms? Kid Rock beer? ... Oh, wait. Those last two are real things already. So, no, Train. We'll not be buying your wine. If it's anything like your music, it'd leave a bad taste in our mouths anyway.   

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Correction... 'Someday' by Bieber is actually a perfume line, not a nail polish, which makes it that much more fun to ridicule.


Ah, nevermind... so he's released nail polish now, too. Really can't say anything more about this.

Conan Neutron
Conan Neutron

Train is the equivalent of a musical war crime. 

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