Lose the Groupies: Glitter Wizard Explains How to Be a Rock God on a Budget

As we all know, rock gods are a vital piece of the world's cultural fabric. Think of how much duller Earth would be if Iggy Pop hadn't developed a lust for life, David Lee Roth had never jumped, and Def Leppard had never prompted hysteria. The world needs more rock gods. But how do you become one with no financial backing? Fear not! Wendy Stonehenge is frontman of flamboyant East Bay rock 'n' roll outfit Glitter Wizard -- and he and his bandmates are here to help.

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  • Dress Like a Rock God
    "Our secret is to figure out where the local strippers (the classy ones) donate their hand-me-downs. Be sure to wash everything twice, in hot water, before use."

  • Know Where to Party
    "We're spoiled here in the Bay. There's good live music to be found almost every night of the week. Grab a bite to eat and then go catch Hot Lunch or The Clams."

  • Find Groupies
    "When Van Halen were at their peak, David Lee Roth worked out an intricate system with his security where he divided the audience into an imaginary grid. If a woman caught his eye, he'd give his staff her coordinates and they'd deliver a backstage pass. Fortunately, we don't need to go to so much trouble at the Hemlock."

  • Lose Groupies
    "We're all romantics here. We don't mind a bit of cuddling afterwards. But in the morning she's gonna expect breakfast, and that doesn't fit into our budget. The best trick is to start talking about your latest D&D campaign. As soon as she hears the word 'Dungeonmaster,' her eyes glaze over and she can't get out of there fast enough."

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  • Know How to Build an Entourage
    "Be really, really good-looking and wear tight pants on stage -- works for us."

  • Eat Good Food
    "If you eat really well at home, it all balances out when you're living off of the dollar menu on tour."

  • Living in a Box Is Not an Option
    "There's no excuse for paying $900 to live in a glorified closet. The East Bay is a lot cooler than you think."

  • BYO Booze
    "Flasks are a broke rocker's best friend. We'll be out front in the Wizard Wagon if you want to join us for a drink between bands. Just make sure the drummer doesn't drink too much bourbon, or he may quit the band (true story)."

Glitter Wizard performs with Hot Lunch, Gypsyhawk and El Topo, on Friday, May 6, at Café Du Nord. 8:30 p.m., $8.
 
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