Top Five Musicians We Didn't Need to See Naked (Slightly NSFW)
When Demi Moore took her kit off for the cover of Vanity
Fair in 1991, it caused a storm of controversy. A -- gasp! -- naked, pregnant
woman, looking -- double gasp! -- sexy! People freaked out. It was kind of cool, but the problem was that it opened the floodgates. And
now, more than a decade later, the world has to deal with Mariah Carey having her
boobs clutched by her husband while she's with child in a shoot not nearly as tasteful. This heinous recent overexposure of Carey's personal life got us
thinking about all those other musicians we didn't necessarily need to see
naked. So here are our top five offenders, along with the people we would
rather have seen in the buff.
5. Amy Winehouse
Oh, Amy. When they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no, we backed you 100 percent, even though we were worried about how much crack you might be smoking. But, when you posed nude for a breast cancer awareness campaign in 2008, even though it was for a good cause and we felt like patting you on the back for that, we had to wonder how much we needed to see this. Especially when, just a couple of years later, you went and got breast implants and failed to keep them in your shirt on a great number of occasions. Bottom line: We're a bit tired of seeing Amy Winehouse's breasticles at this point. Whether it's for a good cause or not.
We would've rather seen: Lily Allen flashing the Warfield in 2009. And we did. So, uh ... okay then! All's square now.
4. Marilyn Manson
We love his art. We love his smarts. We love his fearlessness. We really, really loved his Bowling for Columbine interview, too. What we don't love? His mangina. Seriously.
We would've rather seen: Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey naked. At least we could've done some rituals with that.
3. Christina Aguilera on the cover of Rolling Stone
It's not that she isn't pleasant to look at naked, it's the goddamn context with this one. Naked on the cover of Rolling Stone? Really? What is this? Playboy? Looking at this just makes us feel all gross and exploitative and dirty with fake tan. And what's with the guitar anyway? You freakin' know she doesn't know how to play that thing!
We would've rather seen: Britney's October 2003 Rolling Stone cover shoot. Because at least she got to keep her panties on.
2. Rage Against the Machine
We fully back RATM's protest against the Parents Music Resource Center during its Lollapalooza set in Philadelphia in 1993. Problem is, now we can't help but compare and contrast the wangs of one of the 1990s' greatest, most innovative, and politically relevant bands. And that just makes us feel us feel trivial and stupid. (Tom Morello looks great, though, right? Right?)
We would've rather seen: System of a Down naked ... purely because we wanna know whether its members braid their pubic hair like they do their facial hair.
1. GG Allin
Granted, after the controversial musician died, he was buried in just a leather jacket and a jockstrap. And granted, we know his live performances were all about shock value, and the fact that he wanted to gross us out. But we might have been able to stomach GG shitting onstage and indulging in all manner of other gratuitous shenanigans if we hadn't had to look at him naked so damn much. Of course, our disgust was exactly what he would've wanted, so congratulations, GG -- mission accomplished.
We would've rather seen: Henry Rollins nude. He's also dangerous, punk rock, unpredictable, bloody, and volatile ... and just a lot healthier and more attractive (and less prone to publicizing bodily functions). Sorry, GG.----
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