Helpful Advice: How to Survive NOT Going to Coachella

The time is almost upon us. This week, tens of thousands of beautiful indie kids will descend on a patch of desert in Indio, Calif., and bear witness to some of the finest music the modern world has to offer at the 13th annual Coachella Festival.

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For those of you who didn't manage to get a ticket (because they sold out in one week!), couldn't get the time off, or couldn't wrangle a guest pass from that guy who's friends with that dude you know from work who used to do merch for [insert band name here] back in [insert year here], here's some helpful advice for not turning green with envy once Friday rolls around.

• Remember: It's in the Freakin' Desert, People
  It's a widely known fact that the two most uncomfortable festivals on earth are the Warped Tour and Coachella. Both routinely see temperatures over a hundred degrees every day -- but while Warped lasts a mere ten hours, Coachella goes on for three entire days. Three days! In the desert! What are you? The Doors? Did we mention there's like zero shade at this thing? It's hard to enjoy PJ Harvey when your skin is melting, that's all we're saying.

• Remember: Coachella Is Bad for Beards
  There's a good chance that if you want to go to Coachella and you're a boy, you probably have a beard (not that we're stereotyping or anything). Unfortunately, beards and Coachella simply do not mix. All that heat makes you sweat, all that sweat makes your man fur itchy, then all the dust being kicked up everywhere ends up trapped in your face rug. It's a cruel irony, but if you went to Coachella, you'd have to shave. And that would suck for both your face and the many, many ladies who are lusty for beards. Don't even get us started on the poor suckers who arrive with beards on Day One, are forced to shave on Day Two because of the discomfort, then end up having half a tan face and half a pasty white one. Hilarious, but a sad sight to behold.

•  Remember: Coachella Is a Pretension Magnet
  
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  We don't know why. Really, we don't. We know it's close to Los Angeles and stuff, but there really is a ridiculously high quota of douchiness present at Coachella every year.
  If there were a televised broadcast of the audience, we would create a drinking game for the occasion in which you had to take a shot every time you saw one of those skinny American Apparel braided headbands, a pair of BluBlocker sunglassess, or a girl who in no way embodies alternative living dressed like a hippie because she thinks everyone who ever goes to a festival ever should dress like it's Woodstock. You'd be wasted within ten minutes.

• Remember: Some Things Are Even Funnier Than Kanye.
  Sad about missing Kanye West? Us too. But any time you feel a twinge of longing, just watch this instead. Never gets old.
  

• Remember: Interpol Is Rubbish Now
  Seriously.

• Look Closely at the Lineup
  Stop focusing on all those bands you'd love to see and start reading the fine print. You'll probably do a double-take when you see the words Big Audio Dynamite high up on Saturday's bill (sorry, Mick Jones, we do love the Clash of course, and B.A.D. had its place, but we really can't believe Big Audio Dynamite is still performing -- it's just kind of weird at this point). And the London Suede? Really? Who on earth thought that reunion was necessary?

• Remember: Coachella Vegetarians End Up Smelling Like Sausages
  Back in 2009, Morrissey -- ever the comedian -- got quite distressed during his set and announced, "I can smell burning flesh and I hope to God it's human." Then he walked offstage halfway through a song and informed everyone a few minutes later that "The smell of burning animals is making me sick." If he feels like that up onstage, miles away from the stink of the crowd, imagine what it smells like in the thick of things. So feel better, herbivores: For now, by missing the festival, you don't have to return home smelling like a dirty rib joint. Hurray!

• We're Here To Help
  We've already provided you with a guide to seeing the best bits of this year's line-up without leaving the Bay Area. You don't have to deal with all of the above discomfort and lunacy. Rejoice!