|Pizza: Still not a diet food, not even at SXSW.|
Sure, you ostensibly came to SXSW to see live music. But pick your shows and your meals right, and the week of South-By can also make an amazing body-slimming opportunity. You might even graduate to a new leg-hugging level of skinny jeans! Here's a quick guide to maximizing your South-By weight loss opportunity -- all while living off the Austin staples of barbecue and beer. (Note: This is not good for you, it likely won't even work, and we don't advise it for anything except the purpose of humor.)
- Stand, continuously, for periods of five to seven hours, or so long that you struggle to remember the last time you sat. If at times this begins to feel like torture, just remember where you are and what you're doing and get over it.
- You see one band per venue. Then you hoof it to another venue for another set. But you were doing that anyway, right?
- Grilled meat, served inside a small starchy item (bleached processed white flour preferred), is what you eat now. This can come in the form of hot dogs, barbecue sandwiches, or tacos. Consume at least two servings daily.
- Fuck fruits and vegetables. If they were any good, they'd be at SXSW.
- Drink one beer -- the cheapest tall boy available -- per hour. Any more, and you'll get tired and feel like sitting down. Any less, and you'll get tired and feel like sitting down.
- Regarding pizza: Don't.
- The hottest shows for you this year are metal bands and dance DJs. Those slow, acoustic indie bands suck anyway.
- Always eat outside, standing up, either while rushing from one show to another or waiting in a long line. Sitting while eating is for label bosses/big-time promoters/Dave Grohl.
- There's a reason water costs $5, and free drink tickets won't help you buy it.
- Free food? You didn't see any.
- Eat only when the pain in your stomach threatens to prevent you from catching or playing another show. If you don't hate every band and every genre and everyone at SXSW before a meal, you aren't hungry enough.
- Why not forget your SXSW badge at the hotel/crash pad one day? You could use the walk.
- Don't start looking for a cab until 2 a.m. Sure, you won't get home until 4, but think of all the exercise you'll get while desperately tramping around downtown Austin and flapping your arms like an idiot.
- Got the munchies after the shows end? Your late-night snack options include: a) nothing; b) a Camel light.
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