Brace yourself, everybody. Not content with torturing us back in 2006 with her debut album, Paris Hilton is apparently preparing to unleash a second one. So, in her honor and as a means to prepare ourselves, here's our list of the top six celebrities who should never make music ever again. Oh, and for the record, we will defend William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy's musical attempts 'til the day we die (K-Fed's lucky we couldn't find a good version of "Popozao" though).
6. Kevin Bacon with The Bacon Brothers, "Go My Way"
We like Kevin Bacon. He's a good dude. And his work in Footloose and Flatliners was stellar (seriously). What's more, he's not afraid to laugh at himself (did you see him on Will & Grace? It made us like Will & Grace). Unfortunately, when you're as famous as he is, people invite you onto their talk shows to play your music, even when your vocals are paper thin and the whole thing sounds like a boring late-1970s wedding band. Sorry, Kev. This ain't good.
5. Brigitte Nielsen, "Everybody Tells A Story"
Speaking of boring and, yes, paper thin vocals again, here's Brigitte Nielsen in what appears to be a body stocking commercial. We particularly like her monumentally awkward sexy dancing in the desert. Hot!
4. Ricky Gervais with Seona Dancing, "Bitter Heart"
Most of us know him as the sarcastic guy who invented "The Office" and then made everyone uncomfortable at the Golden Globes, but for a minute back in 1983, a miniscule amount of British people were subjected to Ricky Gervais, pop star. Performing with his band Seona Dancing, it sounded rather a lot like a third-rate David Bowie impersonator performing with a Human League covers band. Witness the atrocity!
3. Russell Crowe with 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, "The Weight Of A Man"
When not acting, fighting and throwing phones at hotel employees, there's nothing Russell Crowe likes more than getting together with his friends and being creepy. "Are you ready to take the weight of a man?" he croons here, before doing some awesome dad dancing and dressing up like a bull-murderer. Gross, Russell. On all fronts. Also, sort your hair out, sir - it's not 1994, y'know.
2. Jada Pinkett Smith with Wicked Wisdom, "Something Inside Of Me"
Uh-oh: another example of an actor's musical project being invited onto a popular national talk show despite being more appropriate for the back room of a small-town bar. Here's Jada, dressed as a teenage boy in winter, performing some horrifically predictable nu metal, with synchronized head-banging and lyrics about child abuse. We appreciate your urge to vent on this subject, Jada, we really do, but maybe you could've just held a fund-raiser or something. Next time, yeah?
1. Corey Feldman, "Honesty"
We have to assume that Corey was still on a lot of drugs here, because there honestly is no other excuse in the whole world. If you're going to go to the trouble of stealing Michael Jackson's dance moves and Color Me Badd's suits, you should at least bother to get a vocal coach in for an hour before going public with this. He sounds so unintentionally angry during the chorus, it's like listening to his subconscious scolding him for subjecting other people to this. Just close your eyes and think about The Lost Boys.