Top Six Celebrities Who Should Never Sing Again

Brace yourself, everybody. Not content with torturing us back in 2006 with her debut album, Paris Hilton is apparently preparing to unleash a second one. So, in her honor and as a means to prepare ourselves, here's our list of the top six celebrities who should never make music ever again. Oh, and for the record, we will defend William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy's musical attempts 'til the day we die (K-Fed's lucky we couldn't find a good version of "Popozao" though).

6. Kevin Bacon with The Bacon Brothers, "Go My Way"



We like Kevin Bacon. He's a good dude. And his work in Footloose and Flatliners was stellar (seriously). What's more, he's not afraid to laugh at himself (did you see him on Will & Grace? It made us like Will & Grace). Unfortunately, when you're as famous as he is, people invite you onto their talk shows to play your music, even when your vocals are paper thin and the whole thing sounds like a boring late-1970s wedding band. Sorry, Kev. This ain't good.

5. Brigitte Nielsen, "Everybody Tells A Story"



Speaking of boring and, yes, paper thin vocals again, here's Brigitte Nielsen in what appears to be a body stocking commercial. We particularly like her monumentally awkward sexy dancing in the desert. Hot!

4. Ricky Gervais with Seona Dancing, "Bitter Heart"



Most of us know him as the sarcastic guy who invented "The Office" and then made everyone uncomfortable at the Golden Globes, but for a minute back in 1983, a miniscule amount of British people were subjected to Ricky Gervais, pop star. Performing with his band Seona Dancing, it sounded rather a lot like a third-rate David Bowie impersonator performing with a Human League covers band. Witness the atrocity!

3. Russell Crowe with 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, "The Weight Of A Man"



When not acting, fighting and throwing phones at hotel employees, there's nothing Russell Crowe likes more than getting together with his friends and being creepy. "Are you ready to take the weight of a man?" he croons here, before doing some awesome dad dancing and dressing up like a bull-murderer. Gross, Russell. On all fronts. Also, sort your hair out, sir - it's not 1994, y'know.

2. Jada Pinkett Smith with Wicked Wisdom, "Something Inside Of Me"



Uh-oh: another example of an actor's musical project being invited onto a popular national talk show despite being more appropriate for the back room of a small-town bar. Here's Jada, dressed as a teenage boy in winter, performing some horrifically predictable nu metal, with synchronized head-banging and lyrics about child abuse. We appreciate your urge to vent on this subject, Jada, we really do, but maybe you could've just held a fund-raiser or something. Next time, yeah?

1. Corey Feldman, "Honesty"



We have to assume that Corey was still on a lot of drugs here, because there honestly is no other excuse in the whole world. If you're going to go to the trouble of stealing Michael Jackson's dance moves and Color Me Badd's suits, you should at least bother to get a vocal coach in for an hour before going public with this. He sounds so unintentionally angry during the chorus, it's like listening to his subconscious scolding him for subjecting other people to this. Just close your eyes and think about The Lost Boys.



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13 comments
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Diane
Diane

I completely disagree with you about Kevin Bacon and the Bacon brothers. I saw them live this weekend and they totally rocked! They put on a great live show and Kevin does an excellent job as a front man. He is a very talented songwriter, too. And the band members are all top notch professional musicians. There are a bunch of live videos on you tube for anyone who is interested in checking them out and making an informed decision. You can follow the band on Facebook, too...their fan page is The Bacon Brothers.

Debbie
Debbie

I must disagree with your pick of Kevin Bacon. The Bacon Brothers have some great musicians playing in their band. Michael and Kevin write most of the music. I have been to several of their shows and have always enjoyed their music. Check out some of their music at baconbrothers.com

aszure
aszure

Seriously the Bacon bros? David Hasselhoff never came to mind once?

malackey
malackey

This list is nonsense. It's mostly made up of people that no longer attempt to perform as musicians. It should have included celebrities like Paris Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, and Scarlett Johannsen.

bigyaz
bigyaz

It's spelled minuscule, not miniscule.

Zach M
Zach M

Joaquin Phoenix...

anon
anon

what about bruce willis?

Ta_mah_ra
Ta_mah_ra

You know what is really tiresome? Hack writers who trot out the same old let's-bash-the-actor for his other talent because said hack writer has nothing more creative or interesting to turn in. Also, sort your band names out, Miss, it's not 2003, y'know. Russell Crowe is performing with The Ordinary Fear of God in your featured video, and each member is a respected session musician and member of other well-regarded bands. They put on wonderful live shows and have a devoted following. The only thing wrong with Russell's singing, in fact, is that he does not do it enough.

LR
LR

The Bacon Bros. rendering you show above isn't one of Kevin's better outings, but it's a few years old. I've heard him several times since, and now he's in good, strong voice, the band is tight, and they put on a terrific show. However people come to hear the Bacon Brothers (at least as they are now), they stick around, and return, because the music's worth listening to, time and again. (It may not suit the target demographic of your blog, however.) Try to listen to something done more recently.

Arlene
Arlene

I don't know about the rest of your picks, but I can say you are dead wrong about Kevin Bacon's vocals. The Bacon Brothers is a class act, each of the band members are very talented musicians.

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