Six Songs That Really Should Have Been Nominated For an Oscar
1. Vanilla Ice, "Ninja Rap," from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2
Mostly, we wish this had won an Oscar (or any award, actually) just so we could see Vanilla Ice stand behind the podium and do what he does in the first seven seconds of this video - truly, a time capsule of early-'90s stupidity. Honestly, if nothing else, His Iciness deserves an award for "rapping" (we use the term loosely) the line "Gonna rock and roll the place, with the power of a Ninja Turtle face" with an entirely straight one. Say what you like, there's a degree of skill in managing that little feat.
2. Kenny Loggins, "Footloose," from Footloose
Truly, Kenny Loggins is the king of '80s soundtracks. To be honest, we were torn about which way to go here: "Danger Zone" from Top Gun (another cinematic great, obviously) or this. We settled on "Footloose" because it is the song equivalent of what an over-excited puppy does when it's been locked in the kitchen all day and you finally arrive home from work. Loggins, we applaud you, your haircut, and your balls. Without you, Footloose would be merely half a movie.
3. Patrick Swayze, "She's Like The Wind," from Dirty Dancing
"She's like the wind through my tree, she rides the night next to me..." Has ever there been a more foolish opening line to a ballad? Not that we can think of. But without this song, that scene in Dirty Dancing where Johnny is leaving Baby would never have teetered over the edge of sadness and headfirst into sappy melodrama. Fine work, Swizzle. We miss thee.
4. Bryan Adams, Sting, Rod Stewart, "All For Love," from The Three Musketeers
With this one, we'd just like the chance to see these three awkwardly interacting with each other some more. It's the music video equivalent of The Office - you can't stop cringing, but you can't look away either. Adams looks lost, Sting refers to Rod Stewart as an "old tart" and Stewart transparently doesn't want to be there. Also, the song's level of awfulness is extraordinary and we'd like that officially recognized somehow. If it were up to us, there'd be an 'Even Worse Than the Robin Hood Soundtrack' category.
5. Ray Parker Jr, "Ghostbusters," from Ghostbusters
What would Ghostbusters have been without this song? *Ghostbusters 2*, that's what. And while we do routinely practice the Bobby Brown rap from that movie when we're doing chores, Ray Parker Jr. deserves an award nod from somewhere for making a video that single-handedly captures an entire decade in less than five minutes. Neon furniture, walking awkwardly in time to music, sub-par special effects, and gratuitous appearances from Chevy Chase, John Candy, Norm from Cheers and Danny DeVito? This song is the '80's. We hope, wherever he is, Parker Jr. isn't feeling undervalued right now.
6. EU, "Da Butt," from School Daze
Remember when cycling shorts weren't just for cycling? Remember when they were for any sort of recreational activity? Imagine someone showing up to the Oscars wearing them? It'd be ten times more entertaining than Lady Gaga's egg at the Grammys, we reckon. "Do it in da butt. Prett-eh, prett-ai." Thanks EU. We feel special.
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