The Top 5 Gloomiest Songs About the Middle of Winter
5. "February Stars," Foo Fighters
When Dave Grohl makes sad faces, the general effect on other humans is similar to that of those animal charity commercials where we're forced to stare into the faces of all the lonely kittens and puppies who are about to die in a shelter. When he makes sad noises at the same time that he's pulling sad faces, it pretty much feels like the end of the world. The bit towards the end of this song where he starts yelling makes us want to run to his side with a mug of cocoa and a Snuggie and cuddle him 'til he's all better. Thanks a lot, February, you heartless wench.
4. "January February," Barbara Dickson
This song happened to be playing in the cab on our way home on New Year's Eve. Is there a worse way to start a year? Probably not. We'd never heard it before, but now it won't leave our brains. The primary problem here though -- aside from the glaringly hideous '80s attire featured in the video (can we please forget bow ties ever happened?) -- is that Dickson insists on repeatedly pronouncing the first "R" in February. Who does that, for crying out loud? Who allowed such madness? Also, is that synthesizer stuck on the harpsichord setting? Just kill us now.
3. "January Song," Five Times August
According to the rad documentary I Need That Record, one in five albums in the U.S. is purchased at Wal-Mart. That's depressing, huh? And according to Wikipedia, Five Times August is "the first unsigned act to get national distribution in Wal-Mart." That means that this whiny dude, playing his Starbucks version of emo (try to not to vomit when he sings "clock strikes heaven," everyone), is probably significantly more likely to sell a ton of records than your favorite artist (assuming your favorite artist isn't Five Times August). Now that, friends, is depressing.