5 Things To Spend Your Coachella Money On Now That It's Sold Out

Kanye-West-Power-Video-scary.jpg
Guess one man really shouldn't have all that power.
If you're wondering why twenty-somethings all over the city are sulking and moping their way through today, it's because they hesitated to buy tickets for yearly Coachella music festival and yesterday it sold out, denying them an opportunity to see Kanye West and Arcade Fire for the millionth time.

Obviously you feel bad for this lot, who were just denied the opportunity to spend a small fortune, and you empathize with their First World problems. This is why I've prepared a helpful list of alternative options these sad masses could spend their Coachella loot on. Feel free to print/email/Facebook/handwrite this list to help cheer these depressed kids out.

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Don't worry, you can't go now anyway.
1) If you put your Coachella money in a 401k now, you'll probably be able to retire in about five years. 

2) You could also start your own small nation somewhere in Eurasia or possibly Micronesia. However, you'd probably need some additional investments to sustain this one.

3) You can now afford all 3,929,493 of the Glee albums.

4) You can now repay your parents for the half-decade of post-collegiate rent they fronted you. Wait, who are you kidding? You're never repaying that.

5) You can afford record your debut masterpiece album, produced entirely by Quincy Jones, Timbaland, Kanye West, T-Bone Burnett, Van Dyke Parks, and who ever did Willow Smith's song "Whip My Hair."

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3 comments
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Barry
Barry

Probably the shitiest article i've ever came across in the weekly. You must of been up all night fine tuning your humor for this article??

truth
truth

this was so funny!wait, no it was not

Jordan
Jordan

Lightning in a Bottle festival!!!!

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