Dear everyone, it looks like we owe you all a huge apology. There we were last week, thinking that having a sense of humor about the fact that we live on a gigantic fault line was infinitely better than stressing ourselves out to the point of constant anxiety about the next Big One. But then our friends over at SFist said that listing songs to drown out that annoying emergency siren was both "infuriating" and "inane" -- you know, because "people die and stuff" in earthquakes. We're infinitely grateful that they pointed this out, since we previously had no idea that the situation was so darn grave. Mortified, we immediately retreated to a room in the basement for 24 hours to meditate and do penance. When we emerged, cleansed, we felt it was only right and natural to respond to SFist by writing one of the lists they suggested. So here, for you all, and for the delicate sensibilities of SFist, are the top eight songs to listen to while punching yourself in the face. You can thank us later.
8. "Straight Edge," Minor Threat
We're easing you in with this one because it's only 46 seconds long, and that seems like a good length of time to figure out whether you like pounding on your own chops or not. If after the first few blows, you're enjoying yourself and feeling truly masochistic, feel free to follow Ian MacKaye's instructions in this song and also deny yourself the illicit pleasures of sex, drugs and booze. Is everyone having a good time yet? We sure are!
7. "Party Hard," Andrew W.K.
Thought we were inane last week? We scoff at thee! Now, this is truly empty-headed! If you were in any doubt about the fun to be had while injuring yourself, just check out the inspirational cover of W.K.'s "I Get Wet" album. He's bleeding and everything! Hear that, SFist? "We will never listen to your rules"! We'll bet your moms are really scared right now.
6. "Smack My Bitch Up," Prodigy
Nothing like a bit of rampant misogyny to get us all ramped up to the point of mindless violence. Oh, and vomiting. Vomiting makes us angry too because it's just so icky. Try not to gag on your own knuckles during this one.
5. "Womanizer," Britney Spears
This song makes us feel like we're living in that part of Zoolander where he gets brainwashed to kill, via the medium of Frankie Goes To Hollywood. The only way to fix that maddening chorus plugging away at your cranium like an over-charged drill is to slap yourself silly. Trust us. We once saw a burly delivery guy taking kegs into a bar on Sixth street, singing this really loudly and looking really annoyed about the whole thing. We laughed at him, not with him, and that was bad.
4. "Fault And Fracture," Converge
The joy with this is that Converge hurts your face before you've even done anything to yourself -- so hitting yourself while listening to them is the aural equivalent of moving from regular sex to the tantric kind. Spiritual!
3. "Islands In The Stream," Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers
"Peace unknown," "tender love," "dedication," and feeling "no pain" and "soft inside"? This might well tip you over the edge of face-punching into actually putting your head through a goddamn window. Also, "everything means nothing if you've got no one," apparently, so this is dedicated to all the single face-punchers out there. Oh Dolly, not even your adorable giggling here can possibly make this okay. Or your perfectly-groomed white beard, just sitting there all neat on your orange face, Rogers. Frankly, we just resent it.
The hatred we feel towards Russell Brand's missus knows no bounds every single time we hear this ode to faux-lesbianism. And the level of coyness on display in this video (puppies, pillow fights, and stuffed animals, anyone?) does nothing but fill us with undistilled rage and confirm one thing, and one thing only: Katy Perry is the devil. If you're not frustrated enough to smack yourself in the face while listening to this, you are probably the Dalai Lama.