How To Survive Thanksgiving: A Guide in 7 Songs
1. "I Like Food," The Descendents
So here it is. Thanksgiving. Cooking. Stupid, stupid cooking that you're having to do for, like, a million people. It's time-consuming, soul-destroying, and sweat-inducing. So, in the interests of keeping this as painless as possible, we'd like to suggest that all food-preparation be done while listening to this 18-second song by The Descendents on repeat, because it will make you move really, really fast and not waste all goddamn day basting a mother-effing turkey that no one will care about because they're already drunk.
2. "Maximum Consumption," The Kinks
We all know that Thanksgiving is basically an eating competition dressed up as a civilized occasion, so what better way to soundtrack it than eating 'til your face hurts while listening to The Kinks? Sure, they're talking about being gross, obese, man-beast people here (and doing it in slow-motion just to make a point about what fatness can do to a human), but they're also doing it while employing English accents, so you can still stuff your face at breakneck speed and yet retain a vaguely regal feeling about the whole affair. Go on -- jam two turkey legs in your mouth at once just to prove a point to your dinner neighbor. God save the Queen.
3. "Waste," Good Riddance
Dear vegans/vegetarians, we haven't forgotten about you. We know that this entire holiday enrages you, but, in the interests of being civil, you will probably still get stuck around a table with a bunch of people who don't care about the fact that, like, a billion turkeys got slaughtered for this holiday. So this is for you. The second that someone gloats over enjoying their bit of carcass a bit too much and pipes up and mocks your stuffed Tofurkey, have this little slice of rage on hand to make them shut their meat-loving mouth up. Holidays are about sharing, everyone. Even if it makes everyone feel really, really bad about what they're eating. You're welcome.