How to Be a Tech Company for Halloween

Categories: internets

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Forget the Zuckerberg mask -- be a whole damn tech company for Halloween. Here's how.

Apple
How to dress:
Wear all white with silver shoes. Limit your ports: No pockets, no fly. Your hair should be seamless.
 
How to scare people:
Jailbreak your pants.
 
The night's over when:
You call your dad and FaceTime your ass; you're holding a kitten in the iPhone death grip; you prematurely rushed your product to market, or rather your ejaculate to Margaret.
 

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Facebook

How to dress:
Wear blue. Put your thumb out. You don't look like a dork at all.
 
How to scare people:
Hold up vacation pictures and scream, "I love Sundays!" Literally bore people to terror. 
 
The night's over when:
You're collecting personal information from Cabana Boy Rum; you poked the wrong ass at the wrong time; you're playing Farmville in a litter box; you forgot to opt-out of vomiting in the candy bowl.

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Twitter

How to dress:
Wear anything revolutionary, like leg warmers.    
 
How to scare people:
Rescream everything you saw on Parker Spitzer.
 
The night's over when:
Someone just bought you; you haven't been talking to the real Danielle Staub at all; you've gone long-form with a party girl from Tumblr; you realize the girl you're following home is following someone else home who's following you home, and nobody will get off MUNI.    
 

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Google

How to dress:
Bedazzle "I'm feeling lucky" on the ass of a fat suit.
 
How to scare people:
Finish every conversation with an hour of porn.
 
The night's over when:
The car is driving itself; you just bought the Twitter geek; you're trying to digitize a book of matches; you're shitting money and holding the proof.
 

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