The Week In Event Names: Michael Bay Summer Thriller Edition

Who will save our fair city? You, drunky?
In the spirit of these patriotism-galvanizing times, we've taken the liberty of compiling some of this week's events into a scene-by-scene rundown of a late-summer emotions-and-explosions action flick, in which an alcoholic giant saves San Francisco -- and thus the world -- from destruction by evil, eugenics-obsessed robots. Rumor has it Michael Cera has already signed on to play the alcoholic giant, and Lady Gaga the head robot.

Act I: In which we meet our unlikely hero in his darkest hour

Act II: In which interplanetary death machines begin to wreak havoc upon our fair city

Act III: In which our hero is temporarily distracted from his duty to humanity by a sassy stripper

Act IV: In which our hero battles the robots and seems to be losing, but only because he has not yet unleashed the unstoppable force of his simian agility, or something

Act V: In which the giant is redeemed and fêted by the society that shunned him an hour and a half ago, and also gets it on with the stripper

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