Think back to the last time you were at a family event and someone pointed a camera at you right at the moment you'd been cornered by a relative you couldn't stand. The discomfort shining through your fake smile and awkward body language is captured forever and stuck in the family photo album for all to see -- and for you to cringe about for the rest of your life. Well, take that little scenario, multiply it by five thousand and you've got the following:
6. "Our Lips Are Sealed," Hilary & Haylie Duff
No one should ever cover an '80's classic by The Go-Go's, least of all a couple of pop tarts. But when said pop tarts appear to be stifling an alarming level of hatred for one another throughout the accompanying video, it just makes things about a million times more excruciating. If we were in any doubt about the sibling rivalry between these two, here we get to witness arm-biting, ear-poking, finger-pulling, and fake-laughing. And we're pretty sure that at one point, you can clearly see Haylie Duff trying to jam foam from a filthy public fountain into her little sister's mouth. I mean, we've all wanted to do that to Hilary Duff at some point, but trying to dress it up like sisterly unity is just stupid.
5. "Opposites Attract," Paula Abdul & MC Skat Cat
Well, it's an awkward premise isn't it? Paula Abdul sleeping with a cartoon cat, we mean. "Who'd have thought we could be lovers?" they smirk, as the world at large tries not to hurl themselves out of the nearest window. Watching these two dancing together during the white-boy-rap in the middle is like watching your parents drunkenly sexy dance at a wedding. Just plain embarrassing.
4. "Ebony & Ivory," Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder
While it's a side note, Paul McCartney's face gets really smug sometimes. The look of self-satisfaction he maintains even after he and Stevie have made two grown men hold hands and dance around in a circle like geriatrics with knee problems, is astounding. Then they go and stretch the piano metaphor to hideously literal lengths by perching themselves, in their black and white suits, on an actual gigantic keyboard. Surely there are better methods of fighting racism.
3. "Little Drummer Boy," Bing Crosby & David Bowie
Well now, how the hell did this happen? There's a multitude of problems here: the self-conscious banter, the terrible acting, the talk of Sir Percival and Hudson (?!) and then -- this is quite magical -- David Bowie claims that his family "do most of the things that other families do." Like name their sons Zowie, David? Yep, we all do that. Finally, who in God's name asks questions like "You're not the poor relation from America, are you?" That's just bad manners.
2. "Say, Say, Say," Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
Ol' smug-face, again. This time with Michael Jackson (who's wearing a Cosby sweater even though this is set in the '20s), and the lovely Linda McCartney who, if her facial expression and stilted mannerisms are anything to go by, really didn't want to do this. And while MJ's court cases didn't happen for a number of years after this, the fact that they hang out at an orphanage here is a tad uncomfortable with hindsight. Then, "Mac & Jack" shave together while Linda watches on from the bed, before Michael flirts with his sister La Toya and the trio set fire to a bar. A total travesty from start to finish.
1. "Easy Lover," Phil Collins & Phil Bailey
Sure, it's one of the greatest songs of all time (you think we're joking, don't you?), but the two Phils are just trying way too hard to look like friends here. "Look at us! We're in a helicopter together! Look how long we can hug for! Look at us sharing a dressing room! And dinner! And practicing our song with a lyrics sheet like we need one! Look at our mic-stand-related mishaps! And our hilarious synchronized dance moves! We are just having such a great time!" We'd put money on the fact that they probably never saw each other again.