The New Pornographers are Satanists: Eight Songs That Prove It

Categories: Band Name WTF
new pornographers.jpg
Dan Bejar - very clearly a zombie. AC Newman - blushing or red with evil thoughts? Neko Case - a little TOO much passion in her face.
Don't worry, Calvin College. Everyone may be scratching their head at your decision to cancel The New Pornographers' performance on your campus (allegedly out of an inevitable association with pornography), but I understand where you're coming from.

If you look closely at some of this group's output, there are clear indicators of its members' closeted satanist tendencies. Don't be fooled by their sunshine-pop exterior, people; here are eight songs that prove A.C. Newman and company are proud sinners through and through.

"Electric Version": One might be quick to intrepert AC Newman's angel-like croon of "A new parade of faith of sparks" as an indicator that his allegiances are with the good guys. But what's this materialistic heretical talk about the "sound of tires" being the "sound of God"? Also, does the "ba ba ba ba" bridge sound like a creepy choir of exorcist children to anyone else?

"Centre for Holy Wars":
Is this just a description of the event or a plan of attack? The fact that the band soundtracks what could very well be a deciding battle between good and evil with such a bouncy, happy synth line is highly suspect: 'Weeeee, let's blow up some angels and then hop on a trampoline!'

"The End of Medicine": Isn't modern medicine supposed to be a sin? So why does this band sound so enraged by the prospect of it ending? The deranged synth solos and demonic guitar duels don't help. Very clearly, this indie-pop supergroup wants its sex and rock and roll with drugs.

"Letter from An Occupant": Speaking of sex, Neko Case is quite the teasing vixen. "Where have all sensations gone?" she cries in this song's bridge. Lust is the name of the game here, especially after releasing her outrage at some nameless presence for promising that she could "order the moon," just for the "love of a god." All joking aside, this song actually seethes with a seriously tragic Waiting for Godot complex.

"Sing Me Spanish Techno":
I'm not an expert on Christianity or anything, but I'm pretty sure no morally upright religion would approve of "listening too long" to this song. Also, note the clear enthusiasm for transvestism in this song's music video.


"Jackie Dressed in Cobras": I'm not even gonna begin to try deciphering Dan Bejar's obscure lyrics, but I'm certain he's the son of the devil. Just listen to his trickster wordplay and mad-hatter vocal stylings. And whoever this Jackie is that he keeps referring to can't be a very nice person if she's walking around dressed in cobras and threatening to "stop the sunshine." After all: Sunshine = happy. Snakes = evil.

"The Slow Descent into Alcoholism": We're told we should be finding salvation in prayer. Meanwhile, A.C. Newman is abusing his blood of Christ privileges.

"Streets of Fire": Okay, so you don't get much more obvious than describing the apocalypse as "sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet." (Four times! Like some sort of ritual chant!) Lighting bibles on fire, licking lips, twisting hips, and "sullying every stage" of these immoral activities is pretty racy too.

So, New Pornographers: Indie-pop supergroup or devil-worshippers in disguise? You be the judge! </Sarcasm>

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