|You're not speaking for our part of California, Katy and Snoop|
Maybe it's because of Hollywood, the recording industry, the big, wide beaches, the weather, or the hilariously fucked-up crack at utopia that is Southern California, but the place's cultures, ideas and people seem to dominate musical works that claim to describe "California" in general. Such is certainly the case with this week's entry into the canon of video-riffic California pop -- Santa Barbara-native Katy Perry's candy-happy ode to Snoop Dogg, palm trees and sandy screwing, "California Gurls." We're certainly not So-Cal haters, but the blue-waterfalled Other Half-resident got many things absolutely fucking wrong about S.F. and its females in her new song and video
. Even Snoop Dogg, who claims us he loves the Bay "just like I love L.A.," made a few mistakes. Here, then, are a few of them -- with corrections:
Katy's contention: "I know a place where the grass is really greener/ Warm, wet and wild/ There must be something in the water"
San Francisco correction:
Grass is for water-hogging (a/k/a house-owning) Southern Californians, who feed their vanity turf with rain that falls in our half of the state and gets shuffled south by a long scar of concrete euphemistically labeled the California Aqueduct. The only grass we have is the kind that gets smoked. And "warm?" Please
Katy's contention: "Sipping gin and juice/ Laying underneath the palm trees."
San Francisco correction: We prefer to sip on Tecate and lime, PBR in a bag, or Fernet Branca with a ginger back. But palm trees, OK.
Katy's contention: "The boys break their necks/ Tryin' to creep a little sneak-peek."
San Francisco correction:
No need for sneak-peeking. We bare it all
up here. (NSFW)
Katy's contention: "California girls, we're unforgettable/ Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top."
San Francisco correction: Katy apparently forgot that S.F. girls tend to be fans of high-waisted American Apparel skirts and tight plaid shirts.
Katy's contention: "Sex on the beach/ We get sand in our stilettos/ We freak in the Jeep/ Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo."
San Francisco correction: No one except Dave Eggers (in A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius) tries to do it on our frigid-ass beaches. We have parks, city streets, and sex clubs for quasi-public screwing. By stilettos, I think you mean Vans, Converse, or other flat-soled shoes, and if any of us do own cars, they probably aren't Jeeps.
Snoop Dogg's contention: "Toned, tanned, fit and ready..."
San Francisco correction: "Toned, tattooed, fit and ready..."
Snoop Dogg's contention: "The girl's a freak, she drives a Jeep and lives on the beach."
San Francisco correction: If the girl's really a freak, she rides a brakeless fixie.
Snoop Dogg's contention: "Katy, my lady... I'm all up on you/ 'Cause you representing California."
San Francisco correction: Not all of it, Snoop.