Life Is Hell As An iPhone Holdout

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No, I don't have an iPhone. It's not that I don't want one -- I do. Badly. I fiend for my own sleek slab of glass and plastic. Meanwhile I steal my friends' iPhones. Hell, I steal my parents' iPhones. (Yes, even my parents have iPhones.) I nearly gave up back in April, two Benjamins at the ready, drooling on the corner of Ellis and Stockton. But I can't get an iPhone now because the new version is coming out very soon. How soon, of course, we won't know until June 7. Yes, I'm counting down. I will force myself to wait and suffer --because if one thing is possibly worse than not having an iPhone, it's buying an iPhone just before the luscious new model comes out.

So I dwell in a purgatory -- a disconnected void between this hellish Samsung flip-phone present and the gleaming, heavenly, possibly-white-faced, metal-sided iPhone future. Thanks to Gizmodo, I have seen the light, and it is good. Although I hope it works on Verizon.

Meanwhile, the buttons (yes, buttons) on this ancient, shit-for-brains sliver in my pocket fail constantly. Wanna compete for complaining rights, AT&T haters? Oh, I'm sorry you don't get service in the Attic. I can't dial the number eight. Toll-free calls are out of my grasp. Nevermind Tweetpics, Foursquare, Shazam, and all of the other amazing music apps I had to use other people's iPhones to research.

It's become a personal liability. I honestly wake up some days wondering whether I should be fired from life for not having an iPhone. I was going to keep it a secret, but I can't suffer silently in this purgatory anymore. Please understand.

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