@sk Jamie Varon: What to Do if You're 'Unfollowed' on Twitter?

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Dear Jamie,

I've been following someone on Twitter for a while now. We've DMed back and forth a bunch and have even talked on Gtalk. I thought we were friends, but then one day, I went to DM her and it said she wasn't following me anymore. I feel pretty stupid asking her what happened and I keep hoping it's a Twitter glitch. What should I do about this?

Sincerely,

Unfollowed Friday


Dear Unfollowed Friday,

Take a good, hard look at your Twitter stream, first and foremost. We need to determine if you're a Twitter douchebag before anything else. Is your entire stream filled with retweets? This is pretty telling of where you are in terms of how big of a Twitter douche you are. A bunch of retweets means you are either terribly lazy, have no thoughts of your own, or are a complete ass-kisser. Any of these three alone or in combination thereof are grounds for an unfollow.

Do you retweet compliments people send you? Constantly broadcasting to your followers something like, "Thanks! RT @someoneelse @jamievaron You're so pretty and funny. I wish I was you!" is damn douchy and self-aggrandizing, isn't it? Any more pats on the back and you're going to rub yourself raw there, buddy.

Lastly, do you tweet things like, "Today was wierd and the sun is seting now" or "my noodles got cod when i was i the shower"? First of all, you're boring, which explains why anyone in their right mind unfollowed you. Second of all, you can't spell for shit, so become more literate and maybe people will stop unfollowing you. Easy fixes, there.

However, here's the thing; If you're fascinating, spell great, and don't suck up to anyone, then you're probably not a Twitter douche and, in that case, the person who unfollowed you is a straight up asshole. And has terrible taste.

Clearly, you're awesome and you and I should be friends, but that's not important right now. You need to confront the person who unfollowed you in a way that manages to retain your dignity. Email them, ask if it was a Twitter glitch and not only will it make them squirm a little, but they will also most likely follow you back out of guilt. Then, put your best material out there and make them sorry they ever unfollowed you in the first place. Strut your stuff (er, tweets), baby, because you're worth it.

Sincerely,
 

Jamie


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