Last Night: Breaking Up With Kylie Minogue at the Fox Theater

Richard Haick

I've been anticipating this personal introduction for almost ten years.

My thing for Kylie's music had started at a Chilis Bar and Grill in Boca Raton, Florida, where her hit smash hit single, "Can't Get You Out of My Head," played at least 10 times during each of my serving shifts. When I developed an intense crush on a quiet line-cook named Gene Brown, in my mind this became our theme song. Every time it played I would hang around the kitchen and throw French fries at Gene.

The song was so simple, so cheesy, but it perfectly reflected my obsession with this line-cook. Still, I wasn't moved to do any research on this Kylie, or to listen to any of her other stuff. I liked the song so much, I figured more information could only lead to disappointment.

Then along came "Love at First Sight" and "Come into My World" and I could not help but play these songs in my dorm room. And in my car. And wherever else I happened to be. Constantly. Although I didn't have the same emotional connection to them as I did to "Can't Get You Out of My Head," they were excellent pop-dance songs that put me in a really good mood. I wanted them on all the time.

I can't remember where I was the first time I heard "I Believe in You," but I know that I cried. The lyrics - while mawkish - were so comforting, and I was blown away by the synth and drum beats. It is entirely possible I have listened to this song more than 3,000 times, and I know that my feelings about it will never change. 

Back at the Fox Theater, I'm trying to ignore the fact that Kylie just told me to fasten my seat belt, because I can't think of a lamer introduction. When a bunch of dancers creep in wearing all black spandex and helmets, and Kylie gets off the skull to sing something about getting up to get down at a disco, the whole thing is pretty underwhelming. But I'm still hopeful.

Richard Haick

The next hour and half feels like five, as she and her dancers change into many tacky costumes (at one point they are actually dressed in cheerleading costumes with K's on the chest) and Kylie plows through a combination of hits and duds. In a glitzy leotard and an ostentatious, feathery shawl, she performs "Come into My World," and although the song is recognizable, it just doesn't sound right. Too loud. Too loose. There's just not a lot of vitality in the performance.

After that, she starts talking again. "So, all this anticipation," she says, referring to the fact that this show is the first on her first American tour. "I need a drink!" On cue, one of her dancer servants brings her a glass presumably containing water, and she takes a long sip. "So how are you feeling tonight?" she asks.

The audience roars at her. They're having a great time. In fact, they have broken into

A devoted Kylie fan at the Fox Theater

several impromptu chantings of "Ky-lie! Ky-lie! Ky-lie!" So maybe it's just me? I turn to the music critic on my right and ask what he thinks. "Total snooze," he whispers. But we agree that somebody did a fantastic job with the lighting.

When Kylie comes out in a golden evening dress and sprawls across an oversized black velvet couch trimmed in gold with two lion statues on either side of her, I'm praying she will not take this opportunity to sing "I Believe in You." But she does. And instead of the dance version, she performs it as a ballad. Her back up jazz band sounds like it has been on the Bar Mitzvah circuit for years. I want to kill myself.

On the way back from Oakland, I'm wondering how this mundane former soap opera star sucked me in the way she did. I'd like to think that it wasn't her all along, that songwriters and producers and other behind the scenes people were responsible for my love affair with this woman. But apparently, Kylie (with some help from the Scissor Sisters) wrote "I Believe in You," which according to me is the greatest pop-dance song of all-time.

So she's not a great performer, or singer, or dancer, I finally decide. Big deal. Then I listen to "I Believe in You" all the way home.