5 Products Probably Not Launching at the Apple Keynote Event

Categories: Tech, internets
New iTablet?
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Less than a month until the (possible) Apple Keynote! What will we wear? Who will be speaking? Again, WHAT WILL WE WEAR?

Engadget and Mashable reported rumors yesterday of an early September Apple keynote event, causing mass hysteria (sort of) in the tech world over whether or not the mythical iTablet will be revealed and/or the mythical Steve Jobs will make an appearance. It sounds like the event is being held the week of September 7th and will precede Microsoft's rollout of the new Zune. Poor Bill Gates, foiled at every turn by the sexy Jobs and his Machiavellian machinations. Or, you know, his ability to use an iCalendar.

Anywho, other than the magical iTablet, shiny new iPods, and Le Jobs himself, we're wondering what else could possibly be planned for the rumored Apple gathering. And where there is wondering to be done, there is a make believe list to be made. Behold!

5 Products Probably Not Launching at the Apple Keynote Event

1. MacBook Amateur:
Not all of us can be "Pros", you know. Some of us are decidedly dilletante-ish about our Macbooking.

2. iPod Nana: Designed after the old Victrolas and NINE TIMES the size of a regular iPod, this charming retro portable music-o-graph will delight the older generation while allowing them to listen to Benny Goodman HANDS FREE while they locate their pocketbooks in order to pay for your freshman year at college. Giving feels so good, doesn't it kids?

3. The Zoon: What?!

4. The Yacht Dock: To recharge one's yacht. Sailing around the keys with one's board of directors and uh, some women too or whatever can be so draining, doesn't one agree? 

5. iCommandments: Presumeably, what one would find on one's iTablet written by iMoses. iMoses, who knowses his Woz-es are Doz-es. Or something. THROW US A BONE, would you internet? It's Friday afternoon and we would very much like our iCocktail. Please have one sent to our new Yacht Dock and make it a double - we've had a rough week.
My Voice Nation Help
Sort: Newest | Oldest

Now Trending

From the Vault



San Francisco Event Tickets
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.