Entertainment Commission Hosts Small Business Forum Today

Here to Help: Jennifer Siebel Newsom

As reported in yesterday's Chron, the SF Entertainment Commission and the Small Business Commission are holding a forum today (3-5 p.m. at the SF Main Library's Koret Auditorium) to discuss how bars, nightclubs, and restaurants can survive in these challenging economic times. Reps from banks, national alcoholic beverage companies and city officials will be present to offer advice to help keep the businesses which keep the City's nightlife pulse throbbing out of the red, and they'd also like it if these businesses filled out these lil' surveys describing just how much of an economic hit the local nightlife industry has taken recently.

While this seems to be a better role for the SFEC than demanding more power to regulate quote-unquote 'problem clubs'--especially when they are not only not enforcing current laws, but may have conflict-of-interest issues--what's not clear at this point is just how much and what kind of assistance the City is willing to offer to struggling clubs and bars. It's also not clear at this point that the SFEC has any clue whatsoever in how to address the current economic downturn. We'd like to tell you about specific actions the SFEC has taken in the past two months, but the minutes of their meetings have only been posted through January 2009.

With that in mind, here's a few suggestions for the SFEC:

*Underage Alcohol Amnesty Day: One day a month, establishments who have filed the appropriate permits will be allowed to serve all the alcohol they want to persons under 21.

*Small Business Lottery: One business at random will be the monthly recipient of a special fund collected from kickbacks from developers and corporate interests who have recently built condos located in close proximity to said business, and whose newly-acquired neighbors are now clamoring about noise, vandalism, and people peeing in the street after closing time.

*Mayoral Happy Hours: Each day, Mayor Gavin Newsom will get completely shitfaced in a local bar (of his choosing, just not the same one twice). The media will be alerted beforehand.

*Hotwife Hostess Stimulus Package: Jennifer Siebel Newsom will serve as bartender for one shift per week at selected establishments--but only if her shift is videotaped, put on YouTube, and she gets director and executive producer credits.

*Problem Club Roulette: Each month, a club designated as a public nuisance by the SFPD will be the site of a SFEC meeting. If an SFEC commissioner happens to own the club or the building, that commissioner must buy every patron a drink (or lap dance, depending on the type of establishment).

*Bouncer Bingo: Clubs with rowdy bouncers will be eligible for city-subsidized funds, provided they keep relevant statistics on the number of people roughed up monthly.