The Clickable Clit: When Online Isn't Enough
By Bonnie Ruberg
The Clickable Clit continues this week with more adventures from the personal diary of an SF-based cybersex expert.
When online isn’t enough
Monday, November 17th
Filed under: Boy/girl toy follow-ups, Fantasies, Online heads offline, Professional concerns
I’ve mentioned before that I’m experiencing strange feelings toward Dr. S. Specifically, I’m experiencing what in real-life I’d call a crush. In cyber life, I’d call it impossible — for me at least. Still, here I am, rambling/thinking about a man I’ve never met. Specifically I’m thinking I’d like it if he showed up on my doorstep. For real.
Introducing this into the conversation has been awkward at best (see: simultaneous sarcasm and sincerity). Surely we wouldn’t be the first people on earth to meet for real-world sex after hooking up online, but 1) we live across the country from one another and 2) he has a girlfriend. There’s also 3) the fact that the nature of our sexual relationship has always been about our shared enthusiasm for cybersex. Wanting to take it offline somehow feels like breaking the rules.
How to confront him? Surely not to his online face. Instead, I wrote a column about it last week, where I admit I have irrational feelings for him and would like to meet him in real life, which I worked up the nerve to email him. His eventual response:
I reread your Village Voice article about our encounters and I have to admit that your closing questions often cross my mind as well. So, no need to slyly slip such inquiries into conversation. I’m more than happy to entertain those ideas.
I’m even more ridiculous for sitting around wondering: what does that mean? That he’s willing to roleplay scenarios in which we really do meet, like the one I suggested last week — which he hasn’t mentioned since? Does it mean he, like me, is interested in coordinating something more concrete? And what, pray tell, is up with me in general? I write about the virtues of cybersex as an end in and of itself, and here I come across my first sexy, reliable online partner in years and suddenly online isn’t enough? I’m somewhere between a stupid, swooning schoolgirl and a good old-fashion hypocrite.
This poor guy has just gotten caught in the cross fire of my own confusion. Sorry for the drama, Dr. S. If you weren’t so sweet (and so good in cyber bed) I wouldn’t have this problem…
I’m a shame-filled conversation starter
Tuesday, November 18th
Filed under: Gripes, Online heads offline, Professional concerns, guilt
Thanks to my roommate’s case of strep and a friend’s birthday party, I noticed two new things about my cybersex exploits this past Friday…
1) I’m more embarrassed than I thought to have other people around while I’m having sex online. The way I always described it, cybersex was cold, calculated research. It left me unaffected and, of course, unashamed. I probably should have admitted that just wasn’t true after working in an office building temporarily crippled my online sex life. With my roommate wandering in and out of my work space during a chat with Dr. S. though, I saw exactly how effected and involved I was. I didn’t want him to read my screen. I didn’t want to respond while he was around and my heart wasn’t 100% in it. Most of all, I felt exposed, like I’d been caught in the middle of something naughty and vulnerable, which I suppose I had, except that I’d always convinced myself that thing was only work.
2) My online sex life is a cocktail party conversation starter. At a friend’s birthday party that night, I had the same conversation I always have among new acquaintances who’ve gotten word of what I do for a living. They want to hear about the juicy life of a sex writer, and usually I don’t mind telling them. But when I heard myself relaying the same sensational stories I’ve told over and over, I started to feel a bit like a trained seal. These people don’t want to hear the nuances of online sex language, or the emotional complications of internet hook-ups. Then there’s the fact that, no matter whose boyfriend I’m talking to about the subject, it always sounds like I’m flirting. Yes, I like what I do. Let’s talk about something else.
Transcript: Sex in the library
Saturday, November 15th
Filed under: Boy/girl toy follow-ups, Cybersex proper, Transcripts
This past Friday, Dr. S. and I met up in the “library” of his college for a secretive rendezvous. Unfortunately, after our chat, silly me ran away before I could copy down the whole transcript. GChat luckily documented the encounter, but in a format that’s hard to copy and paste here. This week at least you’ll have to settle for excerpts, readers:
Dr. S.: i thought we might meet in the library
although, more immediately, i’m wondering what you’re wearing today
(see? there’s an excuse right there)
me: what i’m wearing today… black pants and a tight, white and blue shirt
Can I assume you’re in a suit?
Dr. S.: it’d be wrong to assume that. more of a casual friday. blue jeans, white collared shirt
how tight is that shirt? and what is underneath?
me: comfortable tight, but particularly stretched around my chest. underneath i’m wearing a pink bra with white lace and a pink thong.
Dr. S.: sigh
me: sigh?
Dr. S.: just wouldn’t mind finding out for myself about that
…
me: so, tell me about this library. where are we exactly?
Dr. S.: we are on the bottom floor, the basement. stack upon stack of science periodicals. many dark corners as it isn’t very well-lit.
unless, of course, you’d prefer the top floor, which has plenty of windows to let in sunlight, but just as many stacks and just as quiet and empty
me: i like the idea that you were recently wandering the library, staring at corners and thinking where you could take someone
hmm, i think i prefer the top floor, as long as it’s still quiet
Dr. S.: it is quiet, so we’ll have to be quiet
me: you might have to help make sure I stay quiet
Dr. S.: i will
…
*standing, facing a book shelf in a deserted corner, pretending to flip through an old bound issues of a magazine, my eyes on the pages
Dr. S.: *readjusting myself through my jeans as i step out of the elevator, clearing my throat rather loudly as my eyes begin looking for you
me: *looking up, seeing you coming around the corner, i smile, but don’t put away the book just yet
hello *whispering
Dr. S.: *i mouth a hello back to you, returning your smile as well, keeping my left hand in my jeans pocket, holding my already growing erection there
me: *turning to looking around us, making sure no one can see us before i lean i slip my book back into the stacks and lean in toward you
*my eyes locked on your, i trace one finger slowly along the length of the erection i can feel beneath the thick material of your jeans
Dr. S.: *keeping your eyes in mine, i slide my left hand out of my jeans and up to cup your cheek, my right hand sliding over your hip and down to give your ass a squeeze
me: *my hand rubbing your cock now through your jeans, i lean in as if to kiss you, instead trailing my tongue teasingly across your lower lip
Dr. S.: *i sigh a little at the feel of your hand, leaning into it as i grip your ass tighter with my right hand. my left hand moves through your hair as i lean in to kiss at your neck, licking my tongue up and down along your throat
…
me: *I push back the folds of your pants and underwear, freeing your cock, my hand wrapped around it stroking, my head still thrown back, your hot breath on my neck
Dr. S.: *my hips move in time with your handstrokes, my cock already aching for you now. my hands move to fumble with undoing your pants.
*pushing you back against one of the stacks as i unzip you and slide one hand up underneath your shirt, fingertips grazing over your cleavage before caressing your right breast
me: *feeling the sharp angles of the books behind my back, arching into your touch, letting my hands go again to your cock, playing over the tip and up and down the side
Dr. S.: *flexing my cock full and hard in your hands, licking my tongue up along your neck again, kissing your cheek and then full on your mouth as my hands slide down again, underneath your pants and underwear to squeeze your ass again
me: *pulling you closer to me so your hips are pressed against mine, my tongue playing wildly over yours
*in a hushed whisper
what do you want to do to me?
…
Dr. S.: *roughly turning you around and pressing my hot hard cock against your bare ass as my right hand moves up your stomach to cup your breast underneath your shirt again
*dipping my hips and guiding my cock down between your legs, rubbing the shaft back and forth over your lips, feeling how wet you are against me, letting you feel how hard i am against you
Dr. S.: *both hands gripping your hips now as i press the head of my cock into you, slowly, looking down to see how i slide up into you, feeling you open up to me
*my fingers digging into your skin, rubbing over your hipbones as i push all the way up inside you
*leaning over to press my head against your shoulder, groaning into you there, my cock arching full and hard
me: *shhh, i whisper quietly but playfully, feeling breathless myself as I feel your cock slide inside me, opening and filling me
*clinging onto the stacks for support, turning my face toward you with my cheek pressed against the books
You get the where this is going, don’t you?
To reach The Clickable Clit, write to bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com—or follow her exploits in detail throughout the week at her cybersex blog, Cybersexy, where you'll also find full versions of all the cybersex transcripts you read here.
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