The Clickable Clit: A New Cybersex Web Column

“Just Because I Want to Have Sex Doesn’t Mean I Want to Have Sex with You”
By Bonnie Ruberg

A girl can get into a lot of trouble out there on the internet—especially when that girl is a cybersex columnist. For more than a year now, I’ve been writing Click Me, a weekly cybersex advice column for As you can imagine, I have a lot of online trysts for research. Sometimes the sex is good, sometimes bad, sometimes awkward and hilarious—but it’s all in the name of “science.”

Having just moved out to San Francisco, I thought I’d give something new a try: cybersex blogging. That means divulging all the dirty details behind the sex life of a professional internet sexpert. Here are some tidbits from this first week:

Wednesday, July 9, 4:32 p.m.

I love how people think I should drop what I’m doing and do them.

Because I write about cybersex, people tend to think I want to have it at all times of the day, with everyone, no matter what I’m doing. What they don’t seem to get is that having cybersex is part of my job. Therefore, when my IM status reads “busy,” I really am–whether or not you have pants on.

I have a small handful of fellow tech writers who I’ve used for cybersex research in the past. They’re well aware that they’re test bunnies, that what they say might well end up in a column–and they’re fine with that. However, they develop certain delusions that I sleep with them online to amuse them. Sorry, boys, usually I’m not even doing it to amuse myself, whether or not it turns out amusing.

One weekday last week, for example, around 10:00 a.m., I get an IM from one such boy who’s been bugging me to start having regular phone conversations. In theory, it’s my fault. He asked if I wanted to Skype once while I was still abroad, months ago, and I said something along the lines of, “Sorry, no time for sexy talk now.” That, I suppose, has implied for the rest of eternity that when I get on the phone with him I will blow his eardrums into ecstasy with dirty talk.

Eventually I send him my number. Now I just have my fingers crossed I won’t have to screen my phone calls while working toward a deadline.

Thursday, July 10, 10:02 a.m.

Cybersex haven or not–I think not, given how many people have written in their profiles “I hate cybersex” – OkCupid is starting to bother me. I know lots of people who’ve gone on normal dates from the site. It’s not that they’re always great dates, but they’re the kind of dates where you sit around, eat a meal, talk about your pets, and then maybe kiss in the car. Then you go out on a second date, and a third. Eventually you sleep together. Maybe. The end.

So far I’ve only really been pursuing two OkCupid boys, one of whom I went out with last weekend and the other of whom I have a date with tonight. Somehow both of them have gotten the idea I’m only around for the sex, and I’m not. I’m around for the flirting, the developing friendship, the personal if not romantic connection–and sure, eventually the sex. Boy #1 went from telling me about his life’s ambition to cure blindness to double daring me to stick my hand down his pants in public. Boy #2 has gone from email conversations about vegetarian Thai food to insisting (yes, insisting) I tell him more and more shocking things about myself. He’s also written multiple times, and I quote, “I hope you’re not so shy in person.” Shy? Seriously?

I don’t mind the idea of dating for sex, really. But 1) it takes me a while to get comfortable and 2) what is it about me that screams “Let me buy you a drink and we’ll see where the evening takes us?” Granted, my profile says I write about sex. I’ve gone through and taken out anything too flirty, but maybe it’s the poly thing that trips people up. For example, Boy #1 kept saying, “I met you on OkCupid. You have a fiancé for Christ’s sake.” Translation: this situation is already wacky enough, we should just be fucking.

Potential dates, stop looking at me like I’m easy. As a performer at the Sex Worker’s Art Show once said, “Just because I want to have sex doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.”

Friday, July 11, 9:44 p.m.

So I went on that second OkCupid date last night. After ten minutes of small talk, things turned sexual quick. He was cute, about eight years older than me, but I didn’t like that he had little to no interest in the conversation (or personality) until the subject moved to getting into my pants. To make a long story short, two drinks later we were roaming SoMa. He was just in the middle of saying something appropriately inappropriate when a colleague of his from work walked by. All of a sudden he totally switched gears, smiling and shaking his hand. When the guy had walked away, I asked my date, “How do you do that? Go out with people like me, talk to me like that, and then turn back into Joe Office?”

His reply: “It’s great. Everyone at work thinks I’m all shy, then I go off and fuck some internet girl.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, should have been where I called it a night, because I am not some internet girl.

Check back next and every Wednesday for more from The Clickable Clit.

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