Your Monday Morning Hangover: Tool, Van Halen, and for the kids — SANTA = CHILD MOLESTER!!!

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(Tori, tori, tori | Photos By Ariel Soto)

Ok, we are officially in the Holiday Spirit. We've found our drinking rhythm and today we're not nearly as hungover as at the Pre-Party. We even went so far as to tip the Bayshore tree lot guy $10 on a $40 tree, because we were high. On spirit.

Now this fat, squat, Noble fir motherfucker is upright in our living room, glowing with the light of 1,000 LEDs. We're loving that smell of desiccating coniferous evergreen and we imagine all the surviving Christmas trees respond in kind — hanging humans out to dry in the deep forest, enjoying the fragrance of our essential oils and volatile organic compounds as we rot and decompose.

See, that pine smell is basically like b.o., but for a tree. And we wholeheartedly support the pit-stank of nature. This is your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm your CSI, David Downs.

We start with the quick A/V hit:
'Dorks Launch Flight of the 23-foot, $7,000 model X-Wing' (Good shit at minute 2)

You say the vid is old? From November 27? Ehh, fuck it, it's news to us. Stop hanging around YouTube so much. And now the Audio from L.A's acoustic/death metal/folk star Nate Denver. Stream that shit. He's going to be a star.

Now, WTF happened this weekend? Once again, we were everywhere and nowhere, like Jesus himself. We simultaneously ranked up 20 times on Call of Duty 4, while going to all this stuff. Since we're omniscient, bitches, we caught:

--Tori Amos bringing the American Doll Posse to the Paramount. Love America's weird girls. Photog Ariel Soto put in work.

--Illinois polymath Andrew Bird soft rocking the Warfield. Ariel Soto, again.

—We explored adult infantalism, icon worship, and the Politics of the Pretty at Uglycon; thanks, Giant Robot on Upper Haight. By Yours Truly.

—We noted Nude Aid using genitals to benefit art, a novel concept. Our Nate Nugent got his perv on.

—We discovered Prefuse 73 is still around. Remember 2006? By Oscar Medina and Paul Quitoriano.

—And we pitied crafty mid-20s quilters and fans of zebras, who traded tchochkes at the Mission Indie-Mart at 12 Galaxies Sunday. It's like Target, only overpriced and you don't want anything. Thanks, Soto.

Look upon our above slideshows and weep for your lame, social life, SF.
On the schedule this week:

--Today: SF GovernmentInAction briefs you on the new Golden Gate Skatepark.

—And RaidersSuckNinersSuck says (4-ANYTHING) is still a shit record unless it's (4-0) and it's too late for that.

—Tuesday, Ty Callister's BetterKnowAnSFBlog trolls the blogosphere for local delicacies.

—Plus, an interview with pollyanna Morley Winograd, co-author of the forthcoming book “Millennial Makeover: MySpace, YouTube and the Future of American Politics.” The kids are not alright, dude.

—SF Weekly nails down how much your landlord can jack up your rent by law, and explores why the Holiday Season is also the evictions season.

—Wednesday we're starting "HuMP3 Day" with music from all the new music stories we wrote, we swear. It's been a logistical nightmare. And we also offer the week's Kings of Commenting! Because there's nothing funnier than blind reader rage.

—Thursday, we're plotting a coup.

—And Friday we Pre-Party with josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age, and um, Christmas?

Naturally, we also feel compelled to attend this week's:

Tool
the RZA
The Onion at The Rock It Room
Dirty Birds: New and Original Art on Skateboard Decks
Ask a Scientist-Dark Matter
The Hard Nut
Santarchy
Bazaar Bizarre
and Van Halen at HP Pavilion

See how much more we do than you? And yet you still question us. One day you will shut up and take your medicine. Till then, this is McLovin, signing out.

(Your Monday Morning Hangover hits at 9-ish a.m. every Monday morning with a weekend wrapup, plus a weekly news and culture outlook, because we feel sorry for you clowns — driving your clown cars to your clown offices where you do clown work and lunch on clown food.)

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