Kings of Commenting: The Best/Worst in SF Weekly Comments This Week

God, this job would be so great it weren't for you douchenob readers. We do our best to ignore you and your clown lives, but every now and then, one of your comments is so inane and misspelled that it crosses some line and we love it. Not you. We still hate you, but we love how stupid you are; like Islam.

This is Kings of Commenting; I'm your scourge, Web Editor David Downs

We quoted a stripper who said the Hustlers Club Toy Drive was crass.
A (different) stripper says,

This reporter must have gone out of his way to find the dumbest girl in the entire club to talk to. I am also a stripper at the Hustler Club, and proud to support the SFFFU (love your acronym!) and shake my ass at the same time. We are not all money-grubbing "busty, slutty" Amy Winehouses, angry at underprivileged children for tapping into our holiday shopping funds -- nor are we all on our way down a long slide to juice joints and drug addictions. We're largely decent girls who have fun doing what we do.

Hey, at least we actually found the dumbest girl in the strip club. It's harder than you think.

We covered Nude Aid and lamented all the dongs.
Lady Monster says,

Thanks Nathan for the review, and for attending Nude Aid. See you next year! P.S. You should have gone upstairs for your pussy peeking pleasures.

That's funny, because usually we satisfy our pussy-seeking pleasures "downstairs," unless we date someone with a vagina face, which would be awesome.

We said some shit about exploding fruit.

Melanie Smith says,

My coconut exploded on my kitchen counter for no reason at all, Why?

Because Zool lives in your fridge, Melanie. Get out before you become a demonic dog.

We said Idiocracy drink Brawndo coming to real life rules.
Keith says,

Finally I'll have a reason to wear my shoes out via ass-kicking instead of all this lame walking around and people won't be able to say shit about it. I'll be all 'walking forward one kick at a time' like Bart in that one episode of the Simpsons, and when I destroy your shin I'll yell "that's for drinking toilet water you heathen!" and then I'll wave my hands so fast I become invisible and you'll cry and cry and maybe even wet your pants with fear and jealousy of my awesomeness. I'm soo gonna win at drinking.

While not sure says,

it's got what plants crave!

We said the Wu's new 8 Diagrams ain't all that.
myers says,

so... from a true wu fan, i will say the W was 80% dope, Iron Flag i can't even quote. 8 diagrams is THE SHIT. anyone who gives this album a bad review should go back to source and do the knowledge. The absence of WU as a collective "spiri" in hip hop obviously points to the fact the you bad reviewers have no spirit left. thank god for the 8 diagrams. yo cappaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! i'm trying to live and raise kids/while your throwin up signs/i'm laying em down kid/plus i'm back home now/doing my thing do the f*&ing knowledge. a throat with no voice/just a nod and a look - WU TANG!!!!

Their needs to be a vigilante super hero going around and sterilizing people like myers.

We said Kings of Commenting proves the Internet needs to be destroyed.
Terry Weadock says,

Lol. Random crazy insane postings. This is what I love best about the internet! taw

then this dipshit started ranting about Matt Smith:

SF WEEKLY JOURNALISM SCANDAL – MATT SMITH’S FALSE & INACCURATE NEWS REPORTING It appears that Matt Smith, “lead” reporter for The SF Weekly, is guilty of a journalism scandal - unfair and inaccurate reporting of a news event – by making substantial reporting and researching errors with the results leading to libelous or defamatory statements. Perhaps Matt Smith’s media scandal was a malicious and deliberate attempt to promote himself or a means to further a political goal. According to Wikipedia, ...

According to logic, anyone who cites wikipedia is a dipshit.

We said Tegan and Sara do it every night in our minds.
JerDawg says,

What 39 year old dude wouldn't be into lesbian identical twins? Billy (DP) Harper is the best!

The DP stands for donkey puncher.

And Kings of Commenting needs its requisite stupid chick, so let fly re: Slacker Guys and Striver Girls
Sayeth Caelin [sic],

Dear SFweekly,
I just read this article online that a good friend forwarded to to me because I'm recently broken up with a "slacker" boyfriend. This article spoke so clearly to me you have no idea! I am a career woman myself that struggled with a very intelligent boy "with potential" for 5 years that couldn't even finish a semester in community college, keep a drivers licence, hold a bank account, or stop bitching about why his life sucked so much. I held his hand through it all and helped him grow up a bit, only for him to leave me for another woman the minute he felt he didn't need me anymore. I realize now I was a "mom" and I got screwed in the end. If only I had read this article 3 months ago I could have said "see you later, slacker" and my heart wouldn't have been so stompt on. I've learned my lesson and never again!! Thanks for reminding me.

Caelin? We would've used and dumped you too, but just because of your stupid name.

And we maintain that the Angry Moped Gangs of SF are silly.
George says,

I love this story. Nice job.

whereas, Kevin the cocknubbler says,

this article would have been great if i were an 8th grade girl who loved drama and talking crap. but i am a 22 year old man who doesn't care about a reporters ideas about subjects they obviously know nothing about and people who they also know nothing about. to top it all off there are people commenting about how mopeders are a bunch of punk "kids" and how much they hate mopeds and how gay mopeds are. these people suck. i used to be a skateboarder and people like that have nothing better to do with heir lives then complain about everything and try to make life hard for everyone. get a life. this article is filled with complete ignorance and everyone who thinks mopeds and people who ride them are good for nothing are ignorant as well. mopeds are awesome and the creatures of the loin are very nice fun people to hang around with. everyone has something they love to do. riding mopeds is something i love to do.

Your mom is something we love to do, Kevin.

We said Ron Paul is a loser without a chance, despite his awesome shaming of SF Republican baby-killing, shit-monging demon whores.
Joseph Zrnchik says,

Paultards? Is that the best you can do? You mock Americans who support Ron Paul because they don't understand all the machinations of a corrupt political system that survives because of a misinformed, ill-informed, and ignorant public where citizens talk more about what a candidate is wearing than any issues of substance. You seem to think that because one does not understand some obsure polling organization or group that a person is ignorant. However, if you want to see ignorant I suggest you ask Dems and Reps about fractional reserve banking, money supply, fiat money, petrodollar recycling and imperial spending. You are obviously another yahoo sent to bad-mouth the Doctor.

Whereas Ryan in Philly gets to the point:

Your a fucking idiot. Watch your back at night asshole.

We will, when we die and get sent to can't-punctuate-contractions-for-shit-Philly, jerkface.

(Kings of Commenting provides ample evidence to kill the Internet every Wednesday at noon here on SFWeekly.com)