All-Glass Diet, Knitted Foodstuffs And The Obesity Virus: Lardasses Unite!
Good news for the 97 million or so obese or overweight Americans! It's not just that you're fat, you might be sick too. Newly-minted research out of Louisiana State University confirms what many lardasses have been saying for years: 'It's not my fault! You gunna finish that?'
Researchers say a staggering 30 percent of obese people are infected with the adenovirus-36 virus, otherwise known as the 'I'm-just-big-boned' virus, though the jury is still out on whether it actually causes your hand to repeatedly stuff fistfuls of french fries into your gaping maw.
And the best news yet? It's contagious too, so you may not have to spend the rest of your life fat and lonely after all, or at least not lonely. So scootch that caboose over and whip up another batch of fried twinkies because you might have company.
Of course, if you're still hell-bent on slimming down, we have a suggestion: stick to the non-edible foodstuffs (adorable and delicious), or do like this couple and switch to the hot new all-glass diet. Who knows, you might even make a few bucks on the side.
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