Simmons to help self

Categories: Music

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We were planning on lining up to see Russell Simmons downtown at Alexander Book Co. Tuesday, tempted by his new book about getting totally freaking rich: Do You! 12 Laws To Access The Power In You To Achieve Happiness And Success. Trump writes the introduction, which means it's going to be youge even if it's not, but we were confused by the beginning of that 15-word title -- doesn't Do You mean Fuck Yourself? -- so we went to the publisher for edification. The Penguin site soothed us: "In 12 straight forward steps, Russell reveals a path towards success that can be followed not only by those looking to duplicate his professional success, but anyone struggling to realize their dreams."

Awesome. We absolutely want to duplicate his success, right down to co-founding Def Jam records and signing the Beastie Boys in 1984. And then we read this:

"Indeed, those solely looking for advice on how to build up their bank accounts at the expense of personal integrity should probably look elsewhere."

That gave us pause. Is selling the thug life to cooing, bouncy suburban teens an example of expensing your personal integrity? That answer used to be obvious: Hell no! It builds up your bank account. But now Simmons is going around talking about how executives should strip certain notorious words from songs, and we're not sure if we need that kind of self help. We also noticed Simmons was appearing at noon, and we don't go anywhere near downtown at noon without a gift certificate. Besides, we're not ready to feel bad for saying "Holla, bitches!" when we get to work.

We don't really do that. --Michael Leaverton


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